Tradition dictates that I start this post off with a comic, but I honestly couldn’t find one that fit this post so please share if you have one.
I had this big grand scheme to save this post for Pride week here in Iowa which is supposed to be the weekend of June 19 but for the last year, I’ve been wanting to just write all of this and let it out.
Honestly, if you’re reading this and you’ve made it this far wondering what this is about, then whoa baby, congratulations to you.
I, SARAH MARIE KELLY LIKE MEN. AND I LOVE WOMEN. EVEN MORE THAN MEN. Yes, my friends, I’m bisexual. I had this big grand plan to save this for Pride Week because I thought that, while cliche, it would be “cute” to come out during Pride Week. Honestly, though I can’t take keeping it to myself anymore.
I’ve spent the last year and a half knowing this. I like women; and men. I wanted to create a post about this last year but didn’t feel confident enough to do it, so I thought I’d wait until next Pride Week.
The funny thing is this, my roommate (BTDubs, I really appreciate her for all of her support) but my roommate and my friends here in Iowa know this about me. In a moment of sober honesty, I explained everything to my roommate; I explained to her about my very first date with a woman and how much I thought that woman was beyond beautiful. I told my roommate about my struggles with thinking about how I should be straight and how I know how to date men; how I don’t know how to date women; and how I don’t want this one particular woman to think I’m using her. I told her about what I find attractive in a woman and how that differs from men and she encouraged and supported me. I’m really lucky to have a friend like her.
I was able to tell her that sober but I was only able to tell my friends here in Iowa when I was drunk. “I LOVE WOMEN!!!!!” I’d shout it when I was trashed (sorry Mom), but it was true. At first, I loved getting drunk on first dates with men and “accidentally” letting that slip. I remember one date, in particular, couldn’t quite grasp it although I knew he was trying. Maybe it was too much for him to think that he had to compete with the women in the bars ALONG with the guys. Sorry, bud.
Truth is, I’ve noticed lately that if you put a guy and a girl next to each other that I naturally gravitate towards looking at the woman. I don’t know why. I really don’t, but if we walk into a bar, I am 100% checking the women out in the room first before I scan the men. Que sera, sera.
It was never anything that I felt in high school. I remember the first time I kissed a woman in college; it was one of my sorority sisters (which sounds like a huge dude dream). I remember I expressed that I had never kissed a woman and on my 20th one of my sorority sisters made out with me. I liked it but I didn’t know what to do with it, so I left it alone and focused on screwing guys in frat saunas (that sounds bad, but this place is all about honesty).
It wasn’t until I was on my third long-term relationship and he kept making comments. “Why are you staring at her?” “You’re staring at her.” “See something you like?” “Stop checking her out.”
Those kinds of comments; the kind of comments that, a person who doesn’t know who she is, brushes off with a laugh and a reassuring “No. I was just admiring her hair and her outfit. It’s really nice.”
Honestly, it wasn’t until I was 24 and single and I had selected “Everyone” on Tinder that I finally realized that I actually do like women as much as men. The weird thing is that I really want to tell everyone. I’ve noticed in the media that straight, homophobic people have this weird complex where they say they’re okay with gay people as long as they don’t shove their sexuality in their (the straight peoples’) faces; but they have pictures and comments about how much they love their partner or go on dates. It’s like it’s a part of their identity, but Heaven forbid bisexual/gay/lesbian/trans people express this same integral part of their identity. THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD GOES INTO TATTERS PEOPLE! It’s like JC Penny’s is closing and they can’t get a $19.99 tank on sale for $9.99 anymore.
I’m not sorry.
I feel like it’s just part of me. Some might ask, “Sarah, I don’t go around exclaiming to everyone in a song and dance that I’m straight and that I love women as a man. Why do you have the need to tell me right now that you are a woman who loves women?” I don’t get it?” And to that I say, but you have been saying to everyone that you’re straight. When you walk into a room people look at you and see your gender (man or woman) and then correctly assume that you like the opposite (woman or man). You’ve kissed women in a bar as a man or kissed men in a bar as a woman and felt like you are allowed to do that. You’ve spotted someone that you are attracted to and not felt like you had to hide a reason to say hi like I have.
One time I was at a popular college bar downtown with a guy I matched with on Bumble. We were dancing on the very, very small dance floor when I saw this very beautiful woman. She was wearing a crop top and she was Black and I remember just thinking that she was just……beautiful. So I danced my way over to her and I smelled her perfume and it was amazing so I told her that her perfume smelled good. She grabbed my hand and started to dance with me and I felt the need to tell her no, that I was with someone even though I wanted to dance with her more than my Bumble date. It wasn’t because I was on a random hookup night with him, it was because I didn’t know how HE would handle me dancing with a woman I was attracted to. I felt like I had to hide it, but I wanted to dance with her and I wanted to kiss her because she smelled so good and she was beautiful. This is how a woman interested in a woman thinks.
Did you just picture someone you’re attracted to?
She smelled so good and she was absolutely beautiful and I still remember the way she grabbed my hand on that scummy college bar dance floor. I loved it.
I feel like I’ve spent 25 years of my life fucking guys, not even men at this point yet, assuming an identity of a straight woman. It’s not me. I am not her; I am not the persona of the “woman” I created. Honestly, I won’t feel like a true woman until I can finally and comfortably say that I am attracted to women too. It feels like I’m lying to myself if I don’t admit how I feel.
Have you ever kissed a woman? We are so….soft. I get it now.
College makeout sessions aside, the moment she kissed me, I realized why men love women so much. We’re so much softer than men. I didn’t feel the need to overcompensate with my sexuality. With men, I feel 100% confident in my abilities sexually. Give me a crop top and some red lipstick and let me loose and I will run them to their fucking knees.
Eventually, you realize that you don’t want to bring people to their knees, you want that one person who kissed you in your car. Give me a crop top and some red lipstick and let me loose on women and I have no idea what I’m doing because I spent, however, X number years being misunderstood and confused about dating women.
I guess my point to this post is 1) I didn’t want to wait to release this until June because that’s too far away to me. 2) Drunk words are sober thoughts and HUNNY, drunk me has been yelling this for over a year. 3) It’s me. I am attracted to men and I’m more attracted to women. I’m not sorry. Chances are yes if you’re checking her out so am I and no it’s not because I admire her hair. 4) For now, I am so happy to say that I identify as bisexual, but maybe later I might actually identify as a lesbian. I really don’t know yet because I’m still a little confused on my sexuality. It’s a weird world to navigate alone.
My point is that sexuality is a fluid concept. I really hope that people can understand that. No one should ever force you into one concrete black and white category. You can flow between two or three or four plus choices when it comes to sexuality because humans are complex creatures and people who want to force us into two distinct categories are assholes.
On a drive back from a weekend shopping trip to the nearest big city (AKA a 200-mile day trip just to get your Target fix in the UP) I asked my Mom how she would feel if I brought a woman home for Christmas. I was maybe 17 at the time and she said that she would be surprised but supportive. Now, I know that that is not so much a hyperbolic situation but more of a reality.
I know that I’m attracted to men and I know what I’m attracted to women. If held to a final decision, I’d choose a woman, but that’s me. You don’t have to wait until Pride Week (although you can because it’s a totally safe time to come out).
Be who you are because chances are your friends already know and living a honest life is a lot easier and a lot more fun.
Lot’s of love and support,