Editors note: Hi! This is Sarah here, aka The Editor (fear my might red pen). In exchange for being on my coworker’s charity bowling team, I somehow conned my coworker, who happens to be a DUDE and a fellow writer, into paying me for my bowling participation with writing weekly Bachelor recaps. Because that’s how charity works right? After striking the deal, I learned that my coworker has never once watched any of the Bachelor franchise. Poor sap. I really got the good end of the deal here. All words are his own (except for some small editing on my part including the graphics) as are his opinions. Thank you Keegan for signing up for this.
Be sure to subscribe for a weekly recaps written by a guy who wears a raccoon hat named Erm. Enjoy!
Part One: Recon
To be honest with you, I’ve never been interested in The Bachelor or The Bachelorette mostly on the principle of preserving man points. Side note: If you bother tallying things like man points, it’s because of your own insecure hang-up and you’re really just trying to fit some societal standard of “what a man is.”
For instance, when I was a freshman in college, one of my friends joined a fraternity and I hung out a few times with him and some of his brothers. I vaguely remember a conversation where one of the brothers was teasing another brother about liking The Bachelor. The Bachelor bro made his case for watching the show with something along the lines of, “Dude! It’s like, one guy and thirty super-hot girls.” He got to keep his man points.
Since I didn’t really know a lot about the show, I decided to do a little recon on the season premiere before pouring myself a glass of Pinot and settling down in my fat pants to join Nick Viall on the final leg of his quest to find love.
The problem with planning on watching the season premiere on a Sunday night was that the onset of Nick’s journey to find love would have to take a back seat to the Green Bay Packer’s playoff game against the New York Giants.
I met two of my best friends, Kyle and Alex, in a bar to watch the game. We each received 10 man points for watching football. It was a fantastic game, if you’re curious. In addition to being huge Packer’s fans, the three of us are all fans of Game of Thrones (minus two man points for nerdy interests) and we all enjoyed making toasts to Aaron Rodgers, who is being lauded as “The King in the North” (a Game of Thrones reference).
“Long live the King!”
I’ve been told that Aaron Rodger’s brother, George Rodgers (Editor’s Note: Keegan meant to say Jordan Rodgers but from now on JoJo’s boo-thang will now be called George), was the winner of last season’s The Bachelorette and how about that?
Anyway, during commercials I was excited to tell my friends that I had picked up a new freelance gig and I thought they would laugh when I told them it would be doing write-ups for this season’s The Bachelor.
Kyle jumped in right away and said that last Monday he, in fact, had watched the season premiere (MAJOR deduction of man points).
“Yeah.” Kyle said. “I was downstairs trying to watch Community when Jasmin and Bridget came upstairs and kicked me off the TV so they could watch it. Alright, man points restored.
I thought this would be the perfect chance to get some insight into the episode before I watched it, and so I asked him about it.
“I mean, it was about what you would expect.” Kyle said. “This one chick showed up in a shark costume and kept saying she was a dolphin. She kept doing all these dolphin noises and everyone on the show was like, ‘No, really that’s a shark costume. Not a dolphin.’ But she kept saying she was a dolphin and doing all these dolphin noises. And dude, it was totally a shark costume, I mean the thing had teeth! And I know, like, dolphins have teeth. But these were seriously shark teeth! And it had gills! Like, dolphins have blowholes!”
Apparently the shark vs. dolphin debate had affected Kyle on an emotional level.
“Then there was this one chick showed up on a camel and was all like ‘Oh, I heard you like a good hump.”
This comment got a raised eyebrow from Alex and Kyle continued.
“Oh yeah man, there’s like, a lot of lame sex jokes in the show. Plus this one chick went to the guy’s room and was like, ‘we’re going to have sex.’ Which was pretty ballsy really. And then there was this other girl who apparently had slept with the dude at a wedding before and she was all, ‘Oh we have this secret and he doesn’t really remember me.’ So yeah man, it was weird.”
That was about as much as we talked about The Bachelor that night. Our man points remained more or less at the same level throughout the game. Alex and I have the edge over Kyle when it comes to beard growing, Alex scores a few more points than me in that category but Kyle has us both beat when it comes to killing things. He goes hunting much more often than we do. (Editor’s Note: Obviously I do not condone killing anything except moves on the dance floor but that’s besides the point.)
So there it is, that was all the recon I had going into this season of The Bachelor. We proposed one final toast to The King in the North and I left my friends to sip red wine while wearing a pair of my Fiancée’s sweatpants, pink but comfortable, and join Nick on his final attempt to find true love.
Part Two: Roses and weeds, initial impression
“From Bad Boy to Bachelor, we’ve all seen Nick grow!”
Well that’s a bit suggestive.
With his fine haircut, rugged scruff beard, and finely toned muscles, Nick does indeed seem like someone who shows very well. Who knew he also had such a reputation for growing!
Twice now they’ve called him “The most controversial bachelor in history.” That’s a bit of a lofty claim. Surely there must have been bachelors more controversial than him. Donald Trump’s brief stints of bachelorship when he was in-between wives must certainly put him in the running for the title.
Side note: Maybe everyone who is so dissatisfied with the prospect of a Trump presidency is going about trying to block him the wrong way. Instead of all that protesting and what not, they should rally to offer him the role of The Bachelor in exchange for giving up the presidency. Thirty women vying for his attention and approval certainly isn’t an opportunity that he would be likely to pass up. Then again, they would probably have a very hard time finding contestants for the show. That would be as hard as trying to find talented performers to play at his inauguration… *slow wine sip*
…Nick continues his journey to find true love. *Cut to a shot of Nick trudging through a snowy landscape.
That’s some fancy editing right there. How the hell does he still look THAT GOOD trudging through the snow? His lips aren’t even chapped! Note to aspiring bachelors: Pick the snow you walk through carefully. Make sure it’s pristine, no tracks or dirt showing.
Above all else, make sure your lips stay kissable as you make slow, sullen trudge through the drifts.
I’m a Dolphin!
Okay, so there’s “dolphin” girl. Wait a second, did the profession next to her name really just say “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer?” You have law school graduates on this show! Also, you can say you’re an aspiring anything. Maybe I should start saying that I’m an aspiring astrophysicist because I follow Neil Degrasse Tyson on Twitter. Then if anyone asks me about astrophysics I can say, “Look I don’t know, I’m only an aspiring astrophysicist.” Seriously, did this girl just see a dolphin, or maybe it was a shark, and she thought “Oh! I know! I’ll aspire to be a dolphin trainer!”
Wait a minute. He kept dolphin girl but sent the law school graduate home? Are you kidding me Nick!? Do you know how smart you have to be to GRADUATE FROM LAW SCHOOL!? Also, with your track record, maybe being married to a lawyer could be useful for covering your dumb decisions.
I heard you like a good hump.
Ah, camel girl. Was that really such a good idea? Is there strategy to this show? Is this show a game with strategy? Doesn’t that undermine the idea of finding true love?
New personal drinking game: I will chug the rest of this bottle of wine in a future episode if one of the other contestants makes a catty joke using the word “camel-toe.”
Rachel gets the first impression rose
Okay Nick. She’s cute, she seems nice. Good for her. Question though, when he asks “Will you accept this rose?” Can she say no? Has that ever happened…just Googled it. Apparently someone named Madison walked out on a rose ceremony when some guy named Brad was The Bachelor.
Why wouldn’t Rachel turn down the rose? If there’s strategy involved in this, couldn’t she work the hard-to-get angle? That would put Nick in a bit of an awkward position, wouldn’t it? I bet he’d try to give it to someone else for having the second best first-impression.
Dang. Whoever does the score for this show is one talented composer. They really ramp up the dramatic music at the right moments.
Corinne goes for the kiss
That’s the same girl that gave him the bag of tokens, right? Was she camel girl? Were they hump tokens? No, just checked. Lacey is camel girl. Dang! That’s one hot kiss. Hotter than Rachel’s kiss after getting the rose.
Ah here comes another ad.
I’m pretty sure that’s the fifth time that I’ve seen the trailer for Fifty Shades Darker while watching this show. I think they might be trying to appeal to a certain demographic.