Week Two: The Beauty vs. The Brains

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Editor’s Note: Missed what happened last week on The Bachelor? Catch up before tonight’s episode. Also, a huge thank you to Jared for making the images for this week’s recap. Check out his Tumblr page for more awesome digital illustrations.

 

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In all honesty, this sudden cannonball into the world of The Bachelor has been a unique experience for me. My friend Kyle certainly seems to be riding a similar roller-coaster as he watches this season with his housemates.

He seems to be of the opinion that everyone is drunk all the time on the show and that’s probably why there are so many tears. And you know what? I think he has a point. There really is a lot of drinking in this show, but I don’t think I’ve really seen them drink anything besides white wine and champagne maybe with the odd clear mixed drink thrown in.

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Really? You expect me to believe that you start this show with 30 women and NOT ONE of them prefers red wine over white? Most of you girls wore red dresses to the first meeting so I know you couldn’t have been THAT worried about spilling it.

Not that Corinne would probably mind spilling wine. That would just give her another reason to strip down to her skivvies. Now that I think about it, that topless photoshoot scene is probably the reason for the suspiciously late night text I received from Kyle that read simply, “Boobs = roses.”

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And while we’re on the subject of Corinne, she’s totally being set up to be the villain, and she makes a good one! The best villains are always the ones who believe in their own madness. She’s basically The Joker, but with boobs…. so basically Harley Quinn.

I think the highlight of the episode for me was the hero vs villain set up between Corinne and Taylor. The editors started ramping it up during the wedding photoshoot date and even had Taylor cast as “The Princess.” While Corinne got the role of… You know what? I’m not really sure what her theme was. Not that it really matters. Boobs out, gloves off Corinne Vs. Taylor.

 

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Yeah, ok I’ll admit it. My heart, under no direction or supervision from my brain, fluttered a bit when Taylor and Nick were kissing for their photoshoot. What?! I’m not made of stone. I defy anyone, guy or girl, who watches that (with the audio on of course the music makes the moment) and says “Psh whatever.” Fake or not, that was a well captured moment.

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Side note for existential crisis: What am I doing with my life?

So yeah, Taylor vs. Corinne. Brains verses boobs. Ok before I get into this, I have to address something. Did Corinne slap someone? Not on camera, but if you go to the 33:42 time mark for the episode, you can hear this exchange going on in the background.

“S-slapped?”

*garbled noise*

“I got slapped by Corinne, but it was awesome.”

Seriously. Someone look this up! I have so many questions. Who’s talking? Was it Shark Girl? Was she talking about Corinne slapping her metaphorically by interrupting her time with Nick? Did Corinne literally slap someone else? If she did, why didn’t they show that? That would be marketing gold for the show.

What’s more, I don’t think anyone would say “No way, Corinne wouldn’t do that.” The slap controversy happens right as Corinne and Taylor are having their awkward conversation about interruptions. Honestly, I think Taylor won that round. Not in Nick’s eyes since he gave the rose to Corinne. I get where he’s coming from though.

Corinne played mad offense. Plain and simple. Think about Aaron Rodgers for a minute (The King in the North. First of his name. Lord of the Hail Mary, Denier of Sacks, and Champion of the Cheese Heads). The Green Bay Packers would never win a single game if Rodgers never took the field. You have to play offense. And that’s what Corinne did. She played a strong, drunken, topless offense.

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One last note on that subject. Did the words, “Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, Dad would be proud,” really come out of Corinne? Damn. This show is getting more and more like Game of Thrones every minute.

She also talks in the third person. She definitely said the phrase, “That was a direct hit at Corinne.” You know, now that I’m thinking about it I can think of another person who tries desperately to make people think that they’re a successful business person while being hated by the majority of Americans…..Ah crap, Corinne is probably going to win this thing. Everyone will be saying “Psh, there’s no way she’ll win. Nobody likes her, she’s clearly not even good at running businesses.” Then she’ll win and the world will drift even closer to its end…

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Enough about that! Back to Nick and his quest. Nick, the one you love to hate. The Baron of Sexy Beards. The Sultan of Sex. The Bad Boy with the blinking habit. Seriously, is it just me or does it seem like he blinks a lot? Like, really slowly when he’s thinking or when he’s talking. Maybe it’s just a bad camera angle that makes it look like his eyes are closed.

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He also seems to have a formula for his conversations. Every time a girl expresses a feeling to him he responds with “I’m glad you’re *insert feeling*” For instance:

Danielle: “I’m really excited to spend time with you.”

Nick: “I’m glad you’re excited.”

Corinne: *slurring words* “I’m SO happy I geta see you again!”

Nick: “I’m glad you’re happy.”

Really? You can’t think of anything more engaging to say? I’m pretty sure when he found out about the Danielle’s former fiancé dying of a drug overdose the first thing he said was, “I’m glad you shared that with me.”

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He spreads so much gladness he’s practically Santa Clause. But, you know, with the emotions of single women instead of toys. He was also chilly enough to Liz that he may as well be from the North Pole. And really, what was up with that, Lil St. Nick? Sure, she talked about it so much that Jade and Tanner may as well be the names of two more of Santa’s reindeer.

            You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen./ Comet, Jade – Tanner and Donner and Blitzen./ But do you recall, that event she won’t shut up about at all…..

*Ba-dum-dum-dum-dum*

            Tanner and Jade got married, in a wedding before the show/ And just in case you missed it, Liz won’t let it go/

Lil’ St. Nick certainly kicked Liz to the curb the way Santa did to Rudolf before he needed his shiny red nose. Let’s just hope somewhere down the line an emotional storm erupts in Nick’s life that can only be navigated by someone who he previously hooked up with…. At Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

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