Week Four: Meet the Parents

Editor’s Note: We apologize for the brief lag in posts last week. Please enjoy this double whammy. If you haven’t yet, check out Keegan’s week three recap. Keegan would also like to apologize for the lack panache in week three’s recap. He was still recovering from the fall of his beloved Green Bay Packers. He also gets a little more real in this recap. Be sure to also check out our amazing graphic designer, Jared’s, Tumblr. He’s been creating the bomb illustrations for each post. Enjoy Bachelor fans!

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To anyone reading this, I have to level with you for a moment. I really hate The Bachelor. Like, really hate it.When I first started doing this, I thought it might be a better read if I started out adamantly opposed to the show and then slowly found myself caring about the show or Nick’s quest to find love. I certainly thought it would at least be funnier that way.

It has very beautiful people and a very big budget, but don’t we deserve better entertainment than people just acting like people?

Take the “random encounter with one of Nick’s exes” that happened on his on-on-one date with. You expect me to believe that someone who wore his varsity jacket for a few months almost 30 years ago is going to cause drama?

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There wasn’t a lot of drama in that interaction but it feels like there was supposed to be. I mean, I’m not nearly as old as Lil St. Nick, but I’m still friends with my first girlfriend from high school on Facebook. We went to Homecoming together and I wore a black button down with a fedora. That was before Neckbeards ruined fedoras for everyone. Or maybe they were never cool and that’s just how dorky I was.  Either way, she’s married now and I’m engaged and I hope she is doing well.

 

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This brings me to my biggest criticism of the show and it’s perfectly symbolized by the ceremonial roses that are given out on every show. All of the roses that are given to the contestants don’t have any thorns on them and that makes sense. You don’t want to get pricked when you’re holding them. But that’s not the way roses actually grow.

Roses are supposed to have thorns. Like that song by Poison, “Eeeevvveerrryy Rose has its thorns. Just like eeeeevvveryy night has its dawn.” In real relationships, you don’t just get the pretty part of the flower. You get the thorns too. Relationships are HARD. They’re a lot of work and sometimes you don’t get it right.

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All that The Bachelor does is promote a brand of love that doesn’t exist. Sure there might be rocky parts in the show. Someone might get slapped and there might be some tears but those moments get rolled into the promo for the next episode and quickly get forgotten when a date in a helicopter comes around.

In the world of The Bachelor the thorns are things that are meant to be cut off. They’re something that should be removed so that you only have the pretty part of the flower instead of an intrinsic and natural part of the flower to be cherished as much as the bloom.

 

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For instance, when the women find out they’re going to Nick’s hometown, they get very excited and yell with excitement “Milwaukee!” like a 6-year-old who just found out that they’re going to Disney Land.

I’m sorry, but I’ve been to Milwaukee. I have cousins who live there. It’s as good a place as any and there are things to do but it’s no Los Angeles. Corinne at the very least didn’t pretend to be having fun on the manure shoveling aspect of the group date. By the way, really!?

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Bachelor Producer 1: Hmm what does Wisconsin have?

Producer 2: I don’t know don’t they have a lot of farms or something?

Producer 1: Perfect! A date doing farm chores it is!

Never mind that Nick didn’t even grow up on a farm. He had no idea what he was doing trying to milk that cow. And for the record, barely anyone milks cows by hand anymore! The show may as well have had everyone write love letters to Nick but instead of a computer, they had to use a quill and ink well.

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Hello! Wisconsin is THE STATE OF BEER. Yeah, I know a lot of other states might claim the same thing but Wisconsin is home to the professional baseball team: The Brewers. And guess which city that team’s home stadium is. It’s FREAKING MILWAUKEE! Why didn’t you have a date at a brewery? Even outside of Milwaukee, you can’t throw a rock without hitting one of those in Wisconsin.

Oh, and for the record, Wisconsin does Bloody Marys the same way that Texas does chili. There are tons of contests all over the state, everyone insists that their Bloody Mary recipe is the only recipe that’s worth a damn, and people who have their own recipes guard them like they’re national treasures.

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I spent three summers working in a bar in Norther Wisconsin for a woman who had won several awards for her Bloody Mary recipe and those Bloodies made up at least 30% of our total bar sales. They were THAT GOOD! At the end of my last season working for her, she gave me her recipe. I can’t share the recipe with you, but I can make you a Bloody Mary that will redefine your life if you want.

 

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At least the episode didn’t spend all of its time on farms for no reason. They did introduce Nick’s parents to Raven and then went to a soccer game and skating with his younger sister. That part didn’t bother me as much.

It at least felt more natural than that awful forced farm scene for the sake of showing a farm in Wisconsin.

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The thing I liked the most was that Nick’s parents seemed pretty fed up with his serial appearances in the series. And honestly, what could they have said in that conversation?

If he was one of the final two twice in The Bachelorette they probably showed his parents twice before. And if I can see why they’re not buying into the glamor of the show. His sister seemed to be more enthusiastic about it. And why shouldn’t she be?

She’s a kid from Waukesha who got to be on TV. Her street cred in her elementary school must be through the roof after that season aired.

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