Week Three: The Corinne Show

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It is with a heavy heart that I must report that His Grace Aaron Rodgers (First of his name, Lord of the Hail Mary, Denier of Sacks, and Champion of the Cheese Heads) has fallen. Yes, it seems that Green Bay’s King in the North suffered his own Red Wedding while playing the Atlanta Falcons. But fear not! The North remembers! And next season we shall see His Grace marshal his forces and stride boldly once more to the Super Bowl.

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Speaking of bold offensive strategies lets jump back into the quest of Lil’ St. Nick and the Hail Mary’s he’s having lobbed at him by Corrine. And guess what? I have quite a bit to say about Corinne so strap in, grab your glass of Chardonnay, and let’s get to it.

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Corinne’s first Hail Mary attempt was, of course, her trench coat and whipped cream attempt at seduction. An act that drew the quizzical ire of Fox News in this new article “Has the Bachelor Gone Too Far?” Here’s the link if you’re interested.

For the record, you have to appreciate the irony of a news organization that is perfectly fine with promoting a presidential candidate who brags about groping women, but the second Corinne busts out a can of whipped cream it’s all,

“Woah! Hang on now! That’s not wholesome!”

In all honesty, the article actually makes a few good points. Basically, it’s arguing that this season of The Bachelor is giving girls the impression that they need to act in a sexual manner if they want to find a meaningful relationship. And ok, I think that argument holds some water. They also mention a Christian couple a few seasons back that were abstinent and ended up getting married. This is my first season of The Bachelor, so I don’t know anything about that. But according to Fox News, people loved that couple.

The way they mention that makes it seem like people loved the Christian couple and the show is suffering for Corinne and her sex-forward approach to love. I probably have to disagree with that. I think boobs definitely boost ratings.

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Regardless of whether or not it helps or hurts the show. I know I’m not alone in cringing when Corinne goes for it. To be totally honest with you, I’m starting to think that before the season started, Corinne had a doll of Nick that she talked to and slept with. Cut to a shot of a distressed nanny making cheese pasta while a creepy giggle of “Oh Nick! You’re so funny!” is heard in the background.

Here’s my prediction for the show. I love gambling so if anyone wants to place bets I’m game. I think that Corinne is going to get booted off in a few weeks and Nick will say something along the lines of “It was a tough decision but I’m looking for something more that’s not built on sexual chemistry.” Cut to a shot of a distressed Nanny cutting a cucumber while a creepy giggle of “Oh no, Nick! I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. What’s that? You want me to come back? Oh, Nick! I thought you’d never ask!”

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I’m not trying to be mean. It just seems like all of the other contestants on the show started the early episodes with sentiments like, “Oh I’m excited to be here and see if there is anything between us.” Where Corinne was more, “I love Nick. I’m here to marry Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.”

 

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Ok, I seriously just noticed the ages of some of the contestants. Corinne is 24!? Taylor is 23!? And she has a master’s in psychology!? I’m 23 and I feel like I’m doing well when I don’t have a sink full of dirty dishes. Also, you know both of them have exes either from high school or college. And how weird would that be!? To see your ex on The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette) that would definitely be weirder than drunkenly scrolling through their Facebook page.

And isn’t Nick 36? That’s weird, right? That’s 12 years difference between him and Corinne! Seriously. If you’re in your early 20’s and one of your good friends told you they were engaged to a 36-year-old, wouldn’t you have questions? I mean, it’s not wrong. It just seems like age gaps like that are more rare than common.

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We all saw it. The bouncy house straddling definitely took the show into softcore porn territory. And while the drama unfolded and Nick was forced to answer the angry question of “Do you want a wife or just someone to f*ck around with.” I couldn’t stop imagining what Corinne’s life must be like.

‘Small Business owner’ really? At 24? I don’t even own a house, let alone a business. And I know everyone is going to say. “It’s her dad’s business.” Or give her more credit and say, “Her dad bought if for her.” (That’s totally more credit because it implies that she can’t make cheese pasta but can somehow run a business without running it into the ground.)

If she really does own the business. What sort of car does she own? What came first, the business or the car? There’s no way someone rents a car and owns a business. She also never talks about her work. True, a lot of the contestants don’t really talk about their work, but at least you believe they do the jobs that appear next to their names.

At least Alexis had the modesty to put ‘aspiring’ in front of ‘dolphin trainer’. If Corinne really wanted to win honesty points. She should have put her profession as ‘Aspiring cheese pasta cooker.’ Is it too late to have a graphic made of that?

 

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Camel girl left too. There go my hopes for a decent camel-toe joke. I’m going to need a new potential drinking challenge for future episodes. Suggestions are welcome.
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