Week 8: A Tale of Four Cities

fourcities

Recapped by Keegan L.

So here we are, down to the final four. Making allusions to Game of Thrones and football has been a tried and true coping mechanism for me as I have suffered through this season of The Bachelor, so let’s not stop now! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Bachelor Playoffs!

Let’s go ahead and map the final four contestants to the last four teams who stood in the NFL before this year’s Super Bowl: The Pittsburg Steelers, The New England Patriots, The Lords of the North (long may they reign) Green Bay Packers, and finally—The Atlanta Falcons.

First up, let’s go ahead and let Rachel represent the Green Bay Packers. Clearly the best contestant, destined to not “win” the season, but gearing up for a big win next season. Rachel has been the saving grace of the season and knowing that she will inevitably be sent home has made this season all the more torturous to watch. She is the epitome of class and none of the other contestants come close to her level of swag so I can’t think of anyone more deserving to represent the best team in the NFL.

Next up, Corinne has got to be the Patriots. Vapid, braggadocios, and seen by everyone else in a “please God, anyone but her” light by the vast majority of the viewing public, Corinne is on track to derail any hope for humanity that exists in the world of The Bachelor. Let’s just hope that this season turns out better than the Super Bowl did.

Then we have Raven who has to be the equivalent of the Atlanta Falcons. Originally an underdog and unlikely contender, Raven “flew under the radar” for the first few episodes before claiming a spot in the final four. She also has the southern charm flare that is hopefully enough to undercut the mad sex offensive powerhouse that is the New England Corinne.

giphy-10

And finally, the Pittsburg Steelers may as well represent Vanessa. This one is more of a personal equivalence. People had really high hopes for the Steelers back in the playoffs, but I wasn’t really surprised when they fell to the Patriots. In the same way, I don’t think Vanessa has much of a shot going up against Corinne, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed all the same.

So there we have it! Our bracket for the final four. Let’s fill the stadiums, buy a few cups of overpriced beer and let the games begin!

header2

Game one kicked off in Arkansas as Nick joined Raven for some four-wheeling fun. I was cringing uncontrollably when the cop pulled up for an awkward exchange. When the cop first pulled up, I was thinking how hokey it was and furiously scribbling notes about the forced drama that this show insists on putting together. Thankfully, it was Raven’s brother which fit in better with the show but it was still awkward as all hell to watch Nick pretend he didn’t know who it was at first. Honestly, Raven’s brother had a more confident camera presence than Nick has had all season. Let’s let that guy be the Bachelor.

Then we got to meet Raven’s parents and that was all fine and well. It was fantastic news to find out that Raven’s father was in remission after battling lung cancer and as sleazy as the producers are, it was good that they didn’t play up that angle. I honestly could have seen a cliffhanger before commercial break playing out like, “Raven there’s something we have to tell you about your father.” Then the music ramps up the drama and the commercials roll. Luckily, that didn’t happen and the producers get humanity points for not trying to cash in on cancer.

Of course the big drama of this part was Raven not being able to say “I love you” to Nick. And to be honest, I’m happy she didn’t. All season long, the Atlanta Falcons boasted a strong defense and Raven followed suit in her bracket by playing a solid emotional defense. But will it be strong enough to counter the powerhouse mad sex offense boasted by the New England Corinne?

header3

All of Rachel’s segments are totally undercut by the knowledge that she will eventually be going home. I can’t be the only one thinking this, right? After this writing gig is done, I have no plans to watch any future seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette so knowing that Rachel is out of the running and is going to be the next Bachelorette, really makes these segments drag on for me.

I’m honestly kind of disappointed by that. Rooting for Rachel is almost as much fun as rooting against Corinne and knowing that Rachel is headed for the door either this week or next is almost as bad as seeing leaked internet pictures of Nick and Corinne’s engagement photo shoot. I should probably clarify that those pictures don’t exist, but can you imagine if they did? Fans of the show would have a field day with that.

Anyway, Nick and Rachel go to church before meeting Rachel’s family. I don’t know if there is any sharper contrast between two contestants with Rachel taking Nick to church and Corinne taking Nick shopping for a $1,000 thermal shirt. I’m not going to spend time talking about the specifics of Nick’s visit with Rachel’s family. Fans of the show will get their fill of that when Rachel’s season airs.

giphy-11

All I can say is that watching Rachel’s segments evokes a pale shadow of the same despair that I felt watching the first quarter of the Atlanta vs. Green Bay playoff game. You know that the end is coming but you’re glad that it’s been a good season. And for both Rachel and the Green Bay packers, next year is sure to be a great one.

header4

In case you’re not a fan of football, it’s worth noting that the New England Patriots are pretty much disliked by everyone except their fans. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a great team but they play dirty, win in spite of most of the country cheering for them to lose, and they generate a ton of money. They are basically Corinne in NFL form.

giphy-9

So for his third hometown date, Nick flew down to Miami to join the New England Corinne for a full day of shopping, kissing, and awkward interactions with Mr. Olympios. Really, the strangest takeaway from the episode seemed to be that people were more concerned with Nick being able to provide the sort of lifestyle that Corinne is accustomed to while Raven and Rachel’s families seemed more concerned with their daughters’ compatibility with Lil St. Nick. They also made a really big deal about how much the clothes Nick bought while out with Corinne cost, but honestly they didn’t look any different than the outfits he’s been wearing all season.

Either he, or more likely the show, has been footing the bill for some expensive clothes all season or the outfit Nick bought was somehow better just because it had a higher price tag. Now I’m starting to wonder if that’s how Corinne assigns value to things. Does she think that something is better just because it costs more? Is that how she’s trying to present herself to Nick? “Oh Nick I’m clearly the best! Look how expensive I am!”

giphy-12

Like the New England Patriots, me and most people who have been following the show have been eagerly awaiting the fall of Corinne all season. I don’t think she’s going to be eliminated tonight though. They played up the whole “Nick and Corinne are taking it slow” (sexually speaking) for her not to get a fantasy island night.

header6

And last but not least we have Vanessa. I’ll be honest with you guys, my interest was seriously fading by the time Vanessa’s segment rolled around. I have to give her dad some serious props since he seemed to be the one who was most concerned with the entire scenario of the show and Nick’s four other potential true loves.

I’m way jealous of Vanessa for being a Canadian citizen though and the ability to marry for dual citizenship has got to be a definite plus during this political climate. Honestly, this show has started to look more and more like a metaphor for all of America to me.

Will Nick run away with Vanessa to the welcoming country of Canada? Will he embrace the giggling whipped cream-covered embodiment of American Consumerism and “Make America Corinne again”? Or will he choose something real and meaningful in order to build a better future?

giphy-13

Huh, with that analogy it’s looking better and better for Corinne every minute.

Advertisements

Weeks 6 & 7: Do Rose Ceremonies Still Exist?

roseceremony

Recapped by  Keegan L.

header1

And we are back! In an emotional roller coaster that eerily mirrors the 2016 election, we join our hero once more on his quest to find officially branded True Love™ that has been licensed and approved by ABC.

Before we rejoin Lil’ St. Nick on his quest, I’d like to make a few announcements. At the end of the week, I will be launching my own blog. (Editor’s note because the editor receives a lot of questions from Grandma. This is written entirely by Keegan, NOT Sarah. Keegan is launching his own blog. Sarah is keeping Jack & Peaches. Okay? Cool beans. Let’s resume.)

I can’t tell you the name of it yet because, while the domain has been set up, it’s just bare bones at the moment and I don’t want to discourage future visitors by exposing them to stock images and placeholder text. Designs for the blog are currently being created by the talented Jared Salasberry who has been doing the graphics for these posts. Be sure to check out his Tumblr if you want to see some dope animal graphics.

Additionally, Sarah has agreed to do crossover write-ups like these for something that I like but she has never been interested in. Her only negotiation requirement was, and I quote, “Not football. Please for the love of God, not football.

 

giphy-2
Sarah agrees to give a recap for every Clay Matthews hair flip.

 

The current front-runner for topics is Season 1 of Game of Thrones, but if anyone has a better suggestion, please feel free to leave a comment. And so, without further ado, let us dive back into the adventures of the Baron of blindsided breakups, the Falcon’s defense to Corrine’s mad sex offense, and the man with the best beard in the Bahamas—our hero, Lil’ St. Nick!

 

header2 

An interesting non-footballish football fact is that the Lords of the North, the Green Bay Packers, have been knocked out of the playoffs three years in a row by teams with birds as their mascots. This year they fell to the would-be Super bowl champions—the Atlanta Falcons.

Just as the Packers seem to have an inexplicable difficulty facing bird-based teams Nick seems to have an inexplicable difficulty staying “on script.” This is the first season I’ve seen, so the low number of rose ceremonies hasn’t seemed odd to me. But everyone I’ve talked to who has watched the show for several seasons keeps saying how weird it is that Nick is sending girls home on the fly.

giphy (6).gif

Take, for instance, Danielle M. Who Nick caught off guard and sent packing right after she put her heart on the red sleeve of her flowing dress. Now, I’m not the best at keeping all of the contestants straight, but isn’t Danielle the person who went on the first one-on-one date with Nick when they rode in a helicopter to that yacht? Isn’t she from Milwaukee too? Didn’t he say that “hometown” dates were coming up, and that’s why he had to think so hard about who should stay? Why wouldn’t you want to explore her side of your hometown? Damnit, Nick! You robbed the world of the chance to see that Wisconsin is more than just farms where people milk cows by hand and spend romantic outings shoveling cow poo.

This, of course, all takes place against the beautiful island backdrop of Bimini, a tropical island that received the same level of excitement from the contestants as Milwaukee. Corinne continues to bemoan the fact that she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one with Nick and said something about wanting to have Sushi on a boat with Nick. This is the second time that she’s specifically brought up sushi and to be honest, I’m not really surprised that she likes it. I mean, she certainly ate Taylor alive.

giphy

 

header3

 

Can someone please tell me what is going on with the promotions for this show? There was a big announcement concerning the next Bachelorette and we’ll get into that in a minute. But other than that, I also saw Corinne on a segment with Ellen recently and I’m honestly curious, does this enhance or muddle the illusion of The Bachelor being a show where people find true love? Do we assume that Corrine will be sent home before the final two because she showed up to talk about her experience on Ellen? Or should we assume that she made it at lease that far because Ellen was willing to have her on the show?

It feels weird to try and speculate on things like that outside of “the world” that the show’s editors create by selecting which contestants to give screen time to and that awesome music they plug in at key moments.

For real, the composer who puts together the score for this show is amazing. He or she must have studied at Julliard and if not, the admissions people at Julliard must be shaking their heads for letting that talent fly under their radar. The only sort of Bachelor merchandise that I would be interested in would be the score for this show. It would be awesome for having on hand to make any moment more dramatic.

giphy (5).gif

I could hit play on my phone and let the music swell. As it built and slowly climbed to a dramatic crescendo, I would look up from my table and tell the waiter:

“I’m very happy with the steak. I think this steak has a lot of amazing qualities and I’ve loved the time I’ve had to enjoy it. But now that we’re here and I’m thinking about what I really want out of this meal, I’m going to have to follow my heart and ask you to take it back to the kitchen. Could you please let the chicken know that I’ll be back next week for a one-on-one with it?”

header4

 

More to the point with producers not being on the same page as the editors, the big announcement that has had the internet buzzing recently is that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. People seem really excited about it, but isn’t this a bit of a spoiler? I mean, I was at least expecting Rachel to be sent off this week but no. Instead, she and Nick hung out more, I assume to help the audience get to know her better before she gets her own season. And Nick said he would consider asking her father for permission to marry her.

giphy-3

I know that this show is taped beforehand, so we’re quite possibly seeing Nick at a moment where he still believes he could end up with Rachel. But isn’t it a bit of a middle finger to the audience to make it obvious that Rachel won’t be the one Nick ultimately chooses? At least with Corrine on Ellen, there’s some ambiguity but if Rachel makes it to the final two, why would anyone even watch the finale?

This show walks such an odd line of real and not real. At least in something like Game of Thrones, you know it’s not real. You can find yourself invested in a character and be heartbroken by his or her decisions or fate, but at the end of the day, you know it isn’t real. This show has the amazing ability to blur the line of entertainment by creating a world of roses and chardonnay where the music swells in the background and the only time you don’t look good is when your mascara is running. And the camera guy better get a close up of that to use for the next episode’s promo.

giphy-7

 

What can I do better?

cropped-logo_bigjp1.png

Hey, guys. Once June hits, it will mark one year of Jack&Peaches. In an effort to increase traffic to this blog and to provide interesting content for you, I put together a super short survey.

Whether you’re a subscriber (hey! thank you for supporting me. That includes you Grandma 😉 or a reader who randomly found this blog, a close friend, an ex, a stranger from Instagram, an alien from Mars who reads, etc. it would mean a lot to me if you took like two minutes from your day to help me improve Jack&Peaches.

While this is my hobby, I really want to provide content that is interesting and creative and provide it in ways that are easy for people like you to find.

Find the survey here. Thank you!

Signature[1]

You Do You Boo

Last week I learned from a four-year-old that all babies are born without kneecaps. Also, all images are from the @lubadalu Instagram account. Please take a look because her drawings are fantastic pieces of creative honesty.

Doing what you want in the age when everyone has an opinion and one that they want you to follow—it’s near to impossible.

I’m pretty sure that people have had opinions for as long as we have been around and we’ve probably had advice for just as long. But where do you draw the line between advice and opinion? And how do you know when to take your friends’ advice and when to do you and not listen?

life

I can easily count the number of times I should have listened to the advice of my friends and family especially when it comes to relationships. For example, had I listened to the advice of my Mom and friends to dump my high school boyfriend instead of waiting three years, I would have saved myself a few monumental meltdowns and the destruction of my self-worth and confidence. But at the time I was 17/18/19/20 years old and I thought that their advice was swayed heavily by their opinions. So I didn’t listen. I did what I wanted to do at the time and stayed in the relationship and then when it ended I tried to make it work (you know that whole on and off again thing that young couples and a high number of celebrities do). Finally one morning I woke up and made the decision on my own to end the relationship and my Mom’s response was, “I’ve been trying to tell you all of this for three years.” Basically, her version of I told you so.

What I learned though is that you can offer a metric ton (figuratively of course as words don’t have physical mass unless you can manage to write out all your advice on a metric ton of paper which would take a long time so kudos to you for perseverance), but the person you’re giving it to will most likely listen but not abide. When it comes to making decisions that impact our own personal happiness, not the happiness that our friends and family think we need, we have to make those decisions when we’re ready. Not when our friends and family think we are.

And this lesson is hard, especially for me. Take for example a recent event. As I’m writing this I am currently on vacation time in New York, sitting in my ex-boyfriend’s apartment downtown. After a month of talking to each other again, I decided that what would make me happy was to spend my money and vacation time from work to fly to New York and see him. My close friends, however, do not think that that is what would make me happy and their advice was to quote, “Get off the plane right now!” But I didn’t listen. One gave me the sage advice that I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions but that I should thoroughly understand what I’m getting into but ultimately do what makes me happy. The other in summary said not to do it because she cares about me and doesn’t want the negativity that was in the relationship before to come back into my life. I wanted to keep the whole trip on the DL (down-low) because I knew that people would give me, and him, their opinions of what they think we should do and not advice for how they think we can be happy together.

And opinions about your personal relationships or yourself can weigh heavily on you.

As of writing this, my Mom doesn’t know because I knew that her advice would be heavily swayed by her opinions of him and not determined by what she thinks would make me ultimately happy.

expectations

And I am happy and I didn’t listen to the advice of my friends and instead did what I wanted to do. While washing dishes before leaving, my roommate’s boyfriend said something wise to me:

Everyone in your life will have an opinion and they’re entitled to their opinions and what they think you should do, but ultimately it’s not their life or their relationship. While they may want the best for you, they aren’t in the relationship or living your life so chances are they won’t really know what is the best for you or what will make you happy. You have to do what makes you happy and if that’s going to New York to see him, then that’s what you should do.

And in my case, my happiness required splitting the cost of a plane ticket, finally using my vacation time I’ve saved up at work, and visiting someone who does make me very happy deep down.

relationship

So I want to ask you—how do you separate advice from opinion? Where do you draw the line at not listening to either? And what makes you ultimately happy?

For me, it’s the person I woke up next to and made coffee for all weekend.

In the end, though, you should hear the advice given to you, ignore the opinions that are swayed by heavy bias, and make sure that you do you boo.

My advice is, whatever decision or action or person makes you happiest, that’s the right choice because this is your life to live, not someone else’s.

Signature[1]

 

Week Five: Cajun Creepshow

cajuncreepshow1

Recap by Keegan L.

 

header1

Alright then, let’s get into it. Here’s my question for this week: Do Ex-Bachelors, or Ex-Bachelorettes for that matter, watch The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette)? I’ve been told several times that Lil’ St. Nick was the “runner up” twice on The Bachelorette, most recently when the bachelorette was a girl named Caitlyn. Or Kaitlyn….Maybe Katelyn, seriously now many ways can you spell that name?

giphy

Like, I wonder if Kaitlyn has ever had a fight with the guy she picked instead of Nick and tunes in for an episode to think, Oh, what could have been. Or, do any other contestants watch the show after they’ve had their shot at finding love? I assume most of the contestants watched the show before being accepted into it and I wonder if their time on the show makes them bigger fans or just makes them disenchanted with the whole thing.

I wonder if any of them are trying to launch an acting career. Do they put their time on The Bachelor down on their resumes? Does this count as acting? Someone should really look into this. Would anyone watch a season of Corinne as the bachelorette? The thought of that makes me shudder.

header2

I for one don’t think I could stomach a full season of “The Corinne Show.” This episode made me shudder enough as we launched back into the age old battle of Brains Vs. Boobs when Taylor and Corinne squared off for round two. Corinne once again scores points for playing mad offense and seems to have taken off not only her top but the gloves as well. Seriously, she was yelling “Cash Me Outside” before that became a thing and I’m surprised that no one has made a Corinne based remix of that clip.

giphy-1

The worst thing she said in this episode was “Make America Corinne again” and I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself for making a comparison between Corrine and America’s least favorite president back in week one. For all intents and purposes, the parallels between her and the POTUS keep rolling. She’s rich. She’s self-absorbed. She certainly isn’t shy about trying to grab Nick. She keeps insisting that she’s a successful business person but we have no tax returns to validate that claim. Now my only question is: Where is the outpour of support for this rich bully? Why is no one making “Team Corinne” hats and shouting down anyone that says she’s not a good person?

Apparently, America holds Bachelor contestants to a higher moral standard than the leaders of our nation.

Either way, Taylor answered the challenge and did indeed cash her outside with the whole “emotional intelligence” debate but unfortunately made the mistake of bringing a brain to a boob fight. Do people still use “boob” as an insult to describe people as airheads? Here, let me try it in a sentence: The president of the United States is a total boob. Ehhhh, that feels a bit dated but I think it still works.

giphy-9

 

header3

Taylor said it best when she was gearing up for the two on one showdown date with Nick and Corrine. She said something along the lines of, “If Nick chooses someone like Corinne, his relationship won’t be built on understanding and respect. It will be built on whipped cream and lies.”

giphy-6

Personally, I think “Whipped Cream and Lies” would be a great name for a band. I feel like a band like that would do a lot of covers of Fallout Boy songs. Maybe they would have a few original pieces thrown into their set. They would be timeless classics like a mournful ballad of regret entitled “I made America Corrine Again” and a pop-punk crossover called “Should have known you were bad news when you wouldn’t shovel poo.

Oh, baby. I shoulda known you were bad news when you wouldn’t shovel poo.

I put my heart on the line, but I saw in time that you only had eyes for you.

I think it’s really uncanny that you still have a nanny.

And you’re splittin’ my heart in two.

Now I’m sittin’ hear waitin’ while you’re still debatin’

Whether cows are mean when they moo.

[Then the Bass Drops]

Aside from collecting royalties from the “Whipped Cream and Lies” World Tour, Taylor should probably go back to school for her Ph.D. and entitle her thesis: “Emotional intelligence for morons.”

giphy-4

 

header4

Honestly, the voodoo date was probably one of the biggest WTF’s of the season. One of the first things the Priestess said when they first got there was “Voodoo dolls are one of the most sensationalized and misunderstood aspects of what we do.”

And then the producers were all, “Sweet! Let’s sensationalize and mislead people about their significance by having Corinne ask the Tarot reader for one!”

And really? Am I supposed to believe that the Tarot reader gave Corinne a reading that included the words, “The queen of swords is very confident and headstrong, but her words often have unintended consequences.” And then was like, “Oh here, let me give you a voodoo doll. So you can be overconfident and headstrong.”

giphy-3

Also, did Nick not even ask about the voodoo doll? She was literally waving it around while standing right next to him and he didn’t think that was weird? Never once was he like, “Hey Corrine, whatcha got there?” If he had the conversation would have probably gone something like:

“Hey, umm what’s that?”

“Oh! This is a voodoo doll of Taylor. She’s such a bitch and I want to meddle with dark forces to make her pay for making me feel stupid.”

“I’m glad you shared that with me.”

Seriously, dude!? There is no way you’re glad at everything people share with you!

giphy-7

header5

Rachel’s date was pretty cool. Those oysters looked really good. I love oysters. Can’t get enough of them. Besides that, it actually looked fun. I mean, the street parade looked like a thousand times better than that weird haunted house thing for the group date. Also, while they were doing that group date, they kept cutting back to Corinne and Taylor preparing for the two-on-one date back at the penthouse.

But wasn’t Rachel back there too? I mean, was she just outside the bathroom door like, “Hey Corinne, can you please get out of the tub? It’s been like, 2 hours and there’s a lady from the hotel out here with room service and she really wants to get back to work.”

giphy (10).gif