Week Five: Cajun Creepshow

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Recap by Keegan L.

 

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Alright then, let’s get into it. Here’s my question for this week: Do Ex-Bachelors, or Ex-Bachelorettes for that matter, watch The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette)? I’ve been told several times that Lil’ St. Nick was the “runner up” twice on The Bachelorette, most recently when the bachelorette was a girl named Caitlyn. Or Kaitlyn….Maybe Katelyn, seriously now many ways can you spell that name?

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Like, I wonder if Kaitlyn has ever had a fight with the guy she picked instead of Nick and tunes in for an episode to think, Oh, what could have been. Or, do any other contestants watch the show after they’ve had their shot at finding love? I assume most of the contestants watched the show before being accepted into it and I wonder if their time on the show makes them bigger fans or just makes them disenchanted with the whole thing.

I wonder if any of them are trying to launch an acting career. Do they put their time on The Bachelor down on their resumes? Does this count as acting? Someone should really look into this. Would anyone watch a season of Corinne as the bachelorette? The thought of that makes me shudder.

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I for one don’t think I could stomach a full season of “The Corinne Show.” This episode made me shudder enough as we launched back into the age old battle of Brains Vs. Boobs when Taylor and Corinne squared off for round two. Corinne once again scores points for playing mad offense and seems to have taken off not only her top but the gloves as well. Seriously, she was yelling “Cash Me Outside” before that became a thing and I’m surprised that no one has made a Corinne based remix of that clip.

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The worst thing she said in this episode was “Make America Corinne again” and I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself for making a comparison between Corrine and America’s least favorite president back in week one. For all intents and purposes, the parallels between her and the POTUS keep rolling. She’s rich. She’s self-absorbed. She certainly isn’t shy about trying to grab Nick. She keeps insisting that she’s a successful business person but we have no tax returns to validate that claim. Now my only question is: Where is the outpour of support for this rich bully? Why is no one making “Team Corinne” hats and shouting down anyone that says she’s not a good person?

Apparently, America holds Bachelor contestants to a higher moral standard than the leaders of our nation.

Either way, Taylor answered the challenge and did indeed cash her outside with the whole “emotional intelligence” debate but unfortunately made the mistake of bringing a brain to a boob fight. Do people still use “boob” as an insult to describe people as airheads? Here, let me try it in a sentence: The president of the United States is a total boob. Ehhhh, that feels a bit dated but I think it still works.

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Taylor said it best when she was gearing up for the two on one showdown date with Nick and Corrine. She said something along the lines of, “If Nick chooses someone like Corinne, his relationship won’t be built on understanding and respect. It will be built on whipped cream and lies.”

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Personally, I think “Whipped Cream and Lies” would be a great name for a band. I feel like a band like that would do a lot of covers of Fallout Boy songs. Maybe they would have a few original pieces thrown into their set. They would be timeless classics like a mournful ballad of regret entitled “I made America Corrine Again” and a pop-punk crossover called “Should have known you were bad news when you wouldn’t shovel poo.

Oh, baby. I shoulda known you were bad news when you wouldn’t shovel poo.

I put my heart on the line, but I saw in time that you only had eyes for you.

I think it’s really uncanny that you still have a nanny.

And you’re splittin’ my heart in two.

Now I’m sittin’ hear waitin’ while you’re still debatin’

Whether cows are mean when they moo.

[Then the Bass Drops]

Aside from collecting royalties from the “Whipped Cream and Lies” World Tour, Taylor should probably go back to school for her Ph.D. and entitle her thesis: “Emotional intelligence for morons.”

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Honestly, the voodoo date was probably one of the biggest WTF’s of the season. One of the first things the Priestess said when they first got there was “Voodoo dolls are one of the most sensationalized and misunderstood aspects of what we do.”

And then the producers were all, “Sweet! Let’s sensationalize and mislead people about their significance by having Corinne ask the Tarot reader for one!”

And really? Am I supposed to believe that the Tarot reader gave Corinne a reading that included the words, “The queen of swords is very confident and headstrong, but her words often have unintended consequences.” And then was like, “Oh here, let me give you a voodoo doll. So you can be overconfident and headstrong.”

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Also, did Nick not even ask about the voodoo doll? She was literally waving it around while standing right next to him and he didn’t think that was weird? Never once was he like, “Hey Corrine, whatcha got there?” If he had the conversation would have probably gone something like:

“Hey, umm what’s that?”

“Oh! This is a voodoo doll of Taylor. She’s such a bitch and I want to meddle with dark forces to make her pay for making me feel stupid.”

“I’m glad you shared that with me.”

Seriously, dude!? There is no way you’re glad at everything people share with you!

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Rachel’s date was pretty cool. Those oysters looked really good. I love oysters. Can’t get enough of them. Besides that, it actually looked fun. I mean, the street parade looked like a thousand times better than that weird haunted house thing for the group date. Also, while they were doing that group date, they kept cutting back to Corinne and Taylor preparing for the two-on-one date back at the penthouse.

But wasn’t Rachel back there too? I mean, was she just outside the bathroom door like, “Hey Corinne, can you please get out of the tub? It’s been like, 2 hours and there’s a lady from the hotel out here with room service and she really wants to get back to work.”

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