Weeks 6 & 7: Do Rose Ceremonies Still Exist?

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Recapped by  Keegan L.

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And we are back! In an emotional roller coaster that eerily mirrors the 2016 election, we join our hero once more on his quest to find officially branded True Love™ that has been licensed and approved by ABC.

Before we rejoin Lil’ St. Nick on his quest, I’d like to make a few announcements. At the end of the week, I will be launching my own blog. (Editor’s note because the editor receives a lot of questions from Grandma. This is written entirely by Keegan, NOT Sarah. Keegan is launching his own blog. Sarah is keeping Jack & Peaches. Okay? Cool beans. Let’s resume.)

I can’t tell you the name of it yet because, while the domain has been set up, it’s just bare bones at the moment and I don’t want to discourage future visitors by exposing them to stock images and placeholder text. Designs for the blog are currently being created by the talented Jared Salasberry who has been doing the graphics for these posts. Be sure to check out his Tumblr if you want to see some dope animal graphics.

Additionally, Sarah has agreed to do crossover write-ups like these for something that I like but she has never been interested in. Her only negotiation requirement was, and I quote, “Not football. Please for the love of God, not football.

 

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Sarah agrees to give a recap for every Clay Matthews hair flip.

 

The current front-runner for topics is Season 1 of Game of Thrones, but if anyone has a better suggestion, please feel free to leave a comment. And so, without further ado, let us dive back into the adventures of the Baron of blindsided breakups, the Falcon’s defense to Corrine’s mad sex offense, and the man with the best beard in the Bahamas—our hero, Lil’ St. Nick!

 

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An interesting non-footballish football fact is that the Lords of the North, the Green Bay Packers, have been knocked out of the playoffs three years in a row by teams with birds as their mascots. This year they fell to the would-be Super bowl champions—the Atlanta Falcons.

Just as the Packers seem to have an inexplicable difficulty facing bird-based teams Nick seems to have an inexplicable difficulty staying “on script.” This is the first season I’ve seen, so the low number of rose ceremonies hasn’t seemed odd to me. But everyone I’ve talked to who has watched the show for several seasons keeps saying how weird it is that Nick is sending girls home on the fly.

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Take, for instance, Danielle M. Who Nick caught off guard and sent packing right after she put her heart on the red sleeve of her flowing dress. Now, I’m not the best at keeping all of the contestants straight, but isn’t Danielle the person who went on the first one-on-one date with Nick when they rode in a helicopter to that yacht? Isn’t she from Milwaukee too? Didn’t he say that “hometown” dates were coming up, and that’s why he had to think so hard about who should stay? Why wouldn’t you want to explore her side of your hometown? Damnit, Nick! You robbed the world of the chance to see that Wisconsin is more than just farms where people milk cows by hand and spend romantic outings shoveling cow poo.

This, of course, all takes place against the beautiful island backdrop of Bimini, a tropical island that received the same level of excitement from the contestants as Milwaukee. Corinne continues to bemoan the fact that she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one with Nick and said something about wanting to have Sushi on a boat with Nick. This is the second time that she’s specifically brought up sushi and to be honest, I’m not really surprised that she likes it. I mean, she certainly ate Taylor alive.

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Can someone please tell me what is going on with the promotions for this show? There was a big announcement concerning the next Bachelorette and we’ll get into that in a minute. But other than that, I also saw Corinne on a segment with Ellen recently and I’m honestly curious, does this enhance or muddle the illusion of The Bachelor being a show where people find true love? Do we assume that Corrine will be sent home before the final two because she showed up to talk about her experience on Ellen? Or should we assume that she made it at lease that far because Ellen was willing to have her on the show?

It feels weird to try and speculate on things like that outside of “the world” that the show’s editors create by selecting which contestants to give screen time to and that awesome music they plug in at key moments.

For real, the composer who puts together the score for this show is amazing. He or she must have studied at Julliard and if not, the admissions people at Julliard must be shaking their heads for letting that talent fly under their radar. The only sort of Bachelor merchandise that I would be interested in would be the score for this show. It would be awesome for having on hand to make any moment more dramatic.

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I could hit play on my phone and let the music swell. As it built and slowly climbed to a dramatic crescendo, I would look up from my table and tell the waiter:

“I’m very happy with the steak. I think this steak has a lot of amazing qualities and I’ve loved the time I’ve had to enjoy it. But now that we’re here and I’m thinking about what I really want out of this meal, I’m going to have to follow my heart and ask you to take it back to the kitchen. Could you please let the chicken know that I’ll be back next week for a one-on-one with it?”

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More to the point with producers not being on the same page as the editors, the big announcement that has had the internet buzzing recently is that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. People seem really excited about it, but isn’t this a bit of a spoiler? I mean, I was at least expecting Rachel to be sent off this week but no. Instead, she and Nick hung out more, I assume to help the audience get to know her better before she gets her own season. And Nick said he would consider asking her father for permission to marry her.

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I know that this show is taped beforehand, so we’re quite possibly seeing Nick at a moment where he still believes he could end up with Rachel. But isn’t it a bit of a middle finger to the audience to make it obvious that Rachel won’t be the one Nick ultimately chooses? At least with Corrine on Ellen, there’s some ambiguity but if Rachel makes it to the final two, why would anyone even watch the finale?

This show walks such an odd line of real and not real. At least in something like Game of Thrones, you know it’s not real. You can find yourself invested in a character and be heartbroken by his or her decisions or fate, but at the end of the day, you know it isn’t real. This show has the amazing ability to blur the line of entertainment by creating a world of roses and chardonnay where the music swells in the background and the only time you don’t look good is when your mascara is running. And the camera guy better get a close up of that to use for the next episode’s promo.

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