Recapped by Keegan L.
I’d like to start this recap by dedicating it to my aunt, Julie Graden. As aunts are known to be from time to time, this particular aunt is married to one of my Uncles, Uncle Roger to be precise. And as uncles are known to do from time to time, Uncle Roger took his nephew (better known as me) hunting serval years ago when I was about 13. On this particular hunt, I shot and killed my first deer.
Of course, out of respect for the vegan nature of Jack & Peaches, I won’t tell you the details of this spectacular feat. I won’t tell you that I managed to shoot this deer while it was running at a full sprint and I certainly won’t brag about the fact that it only took one perfectly placed slug to drop the deer as it blurred past my line of sight.
What I will tell you about that hunt is this: After a full day of trudging and hunting, my Uncle realized he had lost his cell phone.
The field we returned to late in the day to look for the phone was home to a herd of cows. At first, we joked that perhaps a cow had eaten the lost phone. After a long time of fruitless searching, this joke became a more serious consideration and I found myself poking at cow pies with a stick.
Get a load of this, a cow actually had picked up my uncle’s cell phone! We finally found it buzzing in a patch of trampled grass. It was covered in saliva and cud with a ton of missed calls from a mildly annoyed Aunt Julie.
The reason that I bring up this story now, is because the experience of poking through cow manure trying to find a lost cell phone is remarkably similar to the feeling I get while watching a new episode of The Bachelor and looking for things to write about each week.
Ah, is it really almost over? It seems like only yesterday Nick was showing the world that he had the emotional range of a gently used sandpaper scrap and the internet world was mocking Liz for her repeated line about hooking up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.
Now in week 9, Nick is demonstrating his new found emotional growth by…honestly, maintaining the emotional range of sandpaper stuck to the boot of someone wandering around a construction site. And the show has latched on to a new mantra from Raven about her elusive orgasm. So let’s get to it! Nine weeks down and one to go!
The Bachelor playoffs started with a surprising upset in game one. Honestly, I felt a very depressing consolation as the camera man zoomed in close to Corinne’s as the tears started to flow. We might have an unhinged man-child in the White House, the Green Bay Packers might have totally blown a shot at the Super Bowl, and the Patriots may have clinched a win in that same Super Bowl, but hey! At least Corinne didn’t “win” The Bachelor… It’s really been a rough few months guys.
At any rate, Corinne’s departure leaves us with the final three which is actually the final two since we all know that Rachel, like the Green Bay Packers, is pinning her hopes on her next season. Seriously, what is up with the producers of this show? And for that matter, what’s up with the editors?
The first scene of this episode was shot in a way that made it look like the contestants waited for Nick in the cold while he had drinks with former Bachelorette, Andy. Also, it looked like Lil’ St. Nick was guzzling a full tumbler of white wine during his conversation with Andy and every time he set his glass down it clinked. He was drinking wine with ice in it! I know some people do that.
When I was a waiter, several middle aged women would order their Chardonnay with ice but to be honest, it always seemed weird to me. It looked totally abnormal on the table every time I served it and seeing the Bachelor partake in this barbaric practice made me cringe more than anything Corinne ever said.
The rest of the episode focused on Lil’ St. Nick traveling to Finland to see if he would find the love he’s been looking for while building his career as a reality TV star. Remember back in Week 1 when I talked about that short shot of Nick trudging through the snow? It was an aerial shot with the narrator saying something to the effect of, “Nick sets out on his journey to find true love.” Well, there were plenty more snow-trudging shots in this episode.
Once more, Nick’s lips remained impossibly unchapped as he scanned the snowy horizon while providing his own narrative voice-over, “I’ve been all over the world and I can’t think of a more magical place to fall in love.” I’m pretty sure he said the same thing when they all went to Bimini. He also said something like that for the episode in New Orleans. Although maybe the adjectives changed.
New Orleans, according to Nick was the most “exciting” place to fall in love. While Bimini may have been the most “beautiful” place to fall in love. So let’s strap in for the rest of the ride. Let’s watch Nick make like School House Rock as he unpacks his adjectives for his “magical” experience in Finland.
Oh, and the shot of the Northern Lights at the end of the episode was totally put in there using CGI.
A phrase that the editors used almost as much as Liz’s “Nick and I hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” was Raven’s constant repetition of, “I’ve never had an orgasm.”
Yes, it seems everyone is on a quest to find something on this season of The Bachelor. Nick, of course, is searching for ABC’s officially licensed and branded True Love while Raven is beginning her journey for the Big O. This kind of introduced a Cinderella “will the slipper fit” subplot to the whole Nick and Raven storyline.
I would tell you more about what happened this week, but honestly, that’s really the whole episode right there. Nick and Raven fly around in a helicopter and look at reindeer before introducing a commercial break with the narrator saying, “Coming up on The Bachelor…” cue shot of Raven and Nick with Raven’s voice, “I’ve never had an orgasm.”
Nick and Raven play darts in a Finnish pub. Cue commercial promo! Raven: “I’ve never had an orgasm.”
Nick and Raven retire to a snowy cabin retreat filled with awkward conversation pauses and Raven’s final confession to Nick: “I’ve never had an orgasm.”
Quick cameraman! Zoom in on Nick’s face! Let’s capture all the subtle nuances of his reaction to use next week!
Cameraman: “But sir, his face looks the same as it always does. He’s doing that dopey half-smile thing with the slow blink.
Producer: “Dammit, man! That’s what the people want! Adjust your lens and Get. Up. In. There!”
The header says it all. Tonight we can apparently look forward to some close up face shots as Nick and Vanessa discuss their feelings in a hot tub while wearing stocking caps.
As a side note, my blog, The Tell-Tale Lockhart is officially up and running! If you’ve enjoyed these recaps, take a minute to check out a few of my stories. The first one that’s up there now is about a time I fell out of a tree in college and the awkward conversation I had with the doctor I eventually went to see. All of the graphics for the site were made by the talented Jared Salasberry, who has created all of the graphic images for these recaps, as well as more amazing images that can be found on his Tumblr.
Also, be sure to subscribe to Jack & Peaches too to stay up to stay in the know with all things vegan and the life of Sarah! One week left! Good luck Nick. And to my liver— hang in there buddy, we’re almost through it!