Week 9: Getting Frisky in Finland

Raven.jpgRecapped by Keegan L.

I’d like to start this recap by dedicating it to my aunt, Julie Graden. As aunts are known to be from time to time, this particular aunt is married to one of my Uncles, Uncle Roger to be precise. And as uncles are known to do from time to time, Uncle Roger took his nephew (better known as me) hunting serval years ago when I was about 13. On this particular hunt, I shot and killed my first deer.

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Of course, out of respect for the vegan nature of Jack & Peaches, I won’t tell you the details of this spectacular feat. I won’t tell you that I managed to shoot this deer while it was running at a full sprint and I certainly won’t brag about the fact that it only took one perfectly placed slug to drop the deer as it blurred past my line of sight.

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What I will tell you about that hunt is this: After a full day of trudging and hunting, my Uncle realized he had lost his cell phone.

The field we returned to late in the day to look for the phone was home to a herd of cows. At first, we joked that perhaps a cow had eaten the lost phone. After a long time of fruitless searching, this joke became a more serious consideration and I found myself poking at cow pies with a stick.

Get a load of this, a cow actually had picked up my uncle’s cell phone! We finally found it buzzing in a patch of trampled grass. It was covered in saliva and cud with a ton of missed calls from a mildly annoyed Aunt Julie.

The reason that I bring up this story now, is because the experience of poking through cow manure trying to find a lost cell phone is remarkably similar to the feeling I get while watching a new episode of The Bachelor and looking for things to write about each week.

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Ah, is it really almost over? It seems like only yesterday Nick was showing the world that he had the emotional range of a gently used sandpaper scrap and the internet world was mocking Liz for her repeated line about hooking up with Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

Now in week 9, Nick is demonstrating his new found emotional growth by…honestly, maintaining the emotional range of sandpaper stuck to the boot of someone wandering around a construction site. And the show has latched on to a new mantra from Raven about her elusive orgasm. So let’s get to it! Nine weeks down and one to go!

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The Bachelor playoffs started with a surprising upset in game one. Honestly, I felt a very depressing consolation as the camera man zoomed in close to Corinne’s as the tears started to flow. We might have an unhinged man-child in the White House, the Green Bay Packers might have totally blown a shot at the Super Bowl, and the Patriots may have clinched a win in that same Super Bowl, but hey! At least Corinne didn’t “win” The Bachelor… It’s really been a rough few months guys.

At any rate, Corinne’s departure leaves us with the final three which is actually the final two since we all know that Rachel, like the Green Bay Packers, is pinning her hopes on her next season. Seriously, what is up with the producers of this show? And for that matter, what’s up with the editors?

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The first scene of this episode was shot in a way that made it look like the contestants waited for Nick in the cold while he had drinks with former Bachelorette, Andy. Also, it looked like Lil’ St. Nick was guzzling a full tumbler of white wine during his conversation with Andy and every time he set his glass down it clinked. He was drinking wine with ice in it! I know some people do that.

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When I was a waiter, several middle aged women would order their Chardonnay with ice but to be honest, it always seemed weird to me. It looked totally abnormal on the table every time I served it and seeing the Bachelor partake in this barbaric practice made me cringe more than anything Corinne ever said.

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The rest of the episode focused on Lil’ St. Nick traveling to Finland to see if he would find the love he’s been looking for while building his career as a reality TV star. Remember back in Week 1 when I talked about that short shot of Nick trudging through the snow? It was an aerial shot with the narrator saying something to the effect of, “Nick sets out on his journey to find true love.” Well, there were plenty more snow-trudging shots in this episode.

 

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We obtained this live-action deleted scene of our “beloved” Bachelor trying to win Raven’s heart in a ski race.

 

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And this deleted shot of Nick attempting a traditional Finnish polka.

 

 

Once more, Nick’s lips remained impossibly unchapped as he scanned the snowy horizon while providing his own narrative voice-over, “I’ve been all over the world and I can’t think of a more magical place to fall in love.” I’m pretty sure he said the same thing when they all went to Bimini. He also said something like that for the episode in New Orleans. Although maybe the adjectives changed.

New Orleans, according to Nick was the most “exciting” place to fall in love. While Bimini may have been the most “beautiful” place to fall in love. So let’s strap in for the rest of the ride. Let’s watch Nick make like School House Rock as he unpacks his adjectives for his “magical” experience in Finland.

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Oh, and the shot of the Northern Lights at the end of the episode was totally put in there using CGI.

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 A phrase that the editors used almost as much as Liz’s “Nick and I hooked up at Jade and Tanner’s wedding” was Raven’s constant repetition of, “I’ve never had an orgasm.”

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Yes, it seems everyone is on a quest to find something on this season of The Bachelor. Nick, of course, is searching for ABC’s officially licensed and branded True Love while Raven is beginning her journey for the Big O. This kind of introduced a Cinderella “will the slipper fit” subplot to the whole Nick and Raven storyline.

I would tell you more about what happened this week, but honestly, that’s really the whole episode right there. Nick and Raven fly around in a helicopter and look at reindeer before introducing a commercial break with the narrator saying, “Coming up on The Bachelor…” cue shot of Raven and Nick with Raven’s voice, “I’ve never had an orgasm.”

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Nick and Raven play darts in a Finnish pub. Cue commercial promo! Raven: “I’ve never had an orgasm.”

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Nick and Raven retire to a snowy cabin retreat filled with awkward conversation pauses and Raven’s final confession to Nick: “I’ve never had an orgasm.”

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Quick cameraman! Zoom in on Nick’s face! Let’s capture all the subtle nuances of his reaction to use next week!

Cameraman: “But sir, his face looks the same as it always does. He’s doing that dopey half-smile thing with the slow blink.

Producer: “Dammit, man! That’s what the people want! Adjust your lens and Get. Up. In. There!”

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The header says it all. Tonight we can apparently look forward to some close up face shots as Nick and Vanessa discuss their feelings in a hot tub while wearing stocking caps.

As a side note, my blog, The Tell-Tale Lockhart is officially up and running! If you’ve enjoyed these recaps, take a minute to check out a few of my stories. The first one that’s up there now is about a time I fell out of a tree in college and the awkward conversation I had with the doctor I eventually went to see. All of the graphics for the site were made by the talented Jared Salasberry, who has created all of the graphic images for these recaps, as well as more amazing images that can be found on his Tumblr.

Also, be sure to subscribe to Jack & Peaches too to stay up to stay in the know with all things vegan and the life of Sarah! One week left! Good luck Nick. And to my liver— hang in there buddy, we’re almost through it!

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Week 8: A Tale of Four Cities

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Recapped by Keegan L.

So here we are, down to the final four. Making allusions to Game of Thrones and football has been a tried and true coping mechanism for me as I have suffered through this season of The Bachelor, so let’s not stop now! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Bachelor Playoffs!

Let’s go ahead and map the final four contestants to the last four teams who stood in the NFL before this year’s Super Bowl: The Pittsburg Steelers, The New England Patriots, The Lords of the North (long may they reign) Green Bay Packers, and finally—The Atlanta Falcons.

First up, let’s go ahead and let Rachel represent the Green Bay Packers. Clearly the best contestant, destined to not “win” the season, but gearing up for a big win next season. Rachel has been the saving grace of the season and knowing that she will inevitably be sent home has made this season all the more torturous to watch. She is the epitome of class and none of the other contestants come close to her level of swag so I can’t think of anyone more deserving to represent the best team in the NFL.

Next up, Corinne has got to be the Patriots. Vapid, braggadocios, and seen by everyone else in a “please God, anyone but her” light by the vast majority of the viewing public, Corinne is on track to derail any hope for humanity that exists in the world of The Bachelor. Let’s just hope that this season turns out better than the Super Bowl did.

Then we have Raven who has to be the equivalent of the Atlanta Falcons. Originally an underdog and unlikely contender, Raven “flew under the radar” for the first few episodes before claiming a spot in the final four. She also has the southern charm flare that is hopefully enough to undercut the mad sex offensive powerhouse that is the New England Corinne.

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And finally, the Pittsburg Steelers may as well represent Vanessa. This one is more of a personal equivalence. People had really high hopes for the Steelers back in the playoffs, but I wasn’t really surprised when they fell to the Patriots. In the same way, I don’t think Vanessa has much of a shot going up against Corinne, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed all the same.

So there we have it! Our bracket for the final four. Let’s fill the stadiums, buy a few cups of overpriced beer and let the games begin!

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Game one kicked off in Arkansas as Nick joined Raven for some four-wheeling fun. I was cringing uncontrollably when the cop pulled up for an awkward exchange. When the cop first pulled up, I was thinking how hokey it was and furiously scribbling notes about the forced drama that this show insists on putting together. Thankfully, it was Raven’s brother which fit in better with the show but it was still awkward as all hell to watch Nick pretend he didn’t know who it was at first. Honestly, Raven’s brother had a more confident camera presence than Nick has had all season. Let’s let that guy be the Bachelor.

Then we got to meet Raven’s parents and that was all fine and well. It was fantastic news to find out that Raven’s father was in remission after battling lung cancer and as sleazy as the producers are, it was good that they didn’t play up that angle. I honestly could have seen a cliffhanger before commercial break playing out like, “Raven there’s something we have to tell you about your father.” Then the music ramps up the drama and the commercials roll. Luckily, that didn’t happen and the producers get humanity points for not trying to cash in on cancer.

Of course the big drama of this part was Raven not being able to say “I love you” to Nick. And to be honest, I’m happy she didn’t. All season long, the Atlanta Falcons boasted a strong defense and Raven followed suit in her bracket by playing a solid emotional defense. But will it be strong enough to counter the powerhouse mad sex offense boasted by the New England Corinne?

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All of Rachel’s segments are totally undercut by the knowledge that she will eventually be going home. I can’t be the only one thinking this, right? After this writing gig is done, I have no plans to watch any future seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette so knowing that Rachel is out of the running and is going to be the next Bachelorette, really makes these segments drag on for me.

I’m honestly kind of disappointed by that. Rooting for Rachel is almost as much fun as rooting against Corinne and knowing that Rachel is headed for the door either this week or next is almost as bad as seeing leaked internet pictures of Nick and Corinne’s engagement photo shoot. I should probably clarify that those pictures don’t exist, but can you imagine if they did? Fans of the show would have a field day with that.

Anyway, Nick and Rachel go to church before meeting Rachel’s family. I don’t know if there is any sharper contrast between two contestants with Rachel taking Nick to church and Corinne taking Nick shopping for a $1,000 thermal shirt. I’m not going to spend time talking about the specifics of Nick’s visit with Rachel’s family. Fans of the show will get their fill of that when Rachel’s season airs.

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All I can say is that watching Rachel’s segments evokes a pale shadow of the same despair that I felt watching the first quarter of the Atlanta vs. Green Bay playoff game. You know that the end is coming but you’re glad that it’s been a good season. And for both Rachel and the Green Bay packers, next year is sure to be a great one.

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In case you’re not a fan of football, it’s worth noting that the New England Patriots are pretty much disliked by everyone except their fans. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a great team but they play dirty, win in spite of most of the country cheering for them to lose, and they generate a ton of money. They are basically Corinne in NFL form.

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So for his third hometown date, Nick flew down to Miami to join the New England Corinne for a full day of shopping, kissing, and awkward interactions with Mr. Olympios. Really, the strangest takeaway from the episode seemed to be that people were more concerned with Nick being able to provide the sort of lifestyle that Corinne is accustomed to while Raven and Rachel’s families seemed more concerned with their daughters’ compatibility with Lil St. Nick. They also made a really big deal about how much the clothes Nick bought while out with Corinne cost, but honestly they didn’t look any different than the outfits he’s been wearing all season.

Either he, or more likely the show, has been footing the bill for some expensive clothes all season or the outfit Nick bought was somehow better just because it had a higher price tag. Now I’m starting to wonder if that’s how Corinne assigns value to things. Does she think that something is better just because it costs more? Is that how she’s trying to present herself to Nick? “Oh Nick I’m clearly the best! Look how expensive I am!”

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Like the New England Patriots, me and most people who have been following the show have been eagerly awaiting the fall of Corinne all season. I don’t think she’s going to be eliminated tonight though. They played up the whole “Nick and Corinne are taking it slow” (sexually speaking) for her not to get a fantasy island night.

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And last but not least we have Vanessa. I’ll be honest with you guys, my interest was seriously fading by the time Vanessa’s segment rolled around. I have to give her dad some serious props since he seemed to be the one who was most concerned with the entire scenario of the show and Nick’s four other potential true loves.

I’m way jealous of Vanessa for being a Canadian citizen though and the ability to marry for dual citizenship has got to be a definite plus during this political climate. Honestly, this show has started to look more and more like a metaphor for all of America to me.

Will Nick run away with Vanessa to the welcoming country of Canada? Will he embrace the giggling whipped cream-covered embodiment of American Consumerism and “Make America Corinne again”? Or will he choose something real and meaningful in order to build a better future?

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Huh, with that analogy it’s looking better and better for Corinne every minute.

Weeks 6 & 7: Do Rose Ceremonies Still Exist?

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Recapped by  Keegan L.

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And we are back! In an emotional roller coaster that eerily mirrors the 2016 election, we join our hero once more on his quest to find officially branded True Love™ that has been licensed and approved by ABC.

Before we rejoin Lil’ St. Nick on his quest, I’d like to make a few announcements. At the end of the week, I will be launching my own blog. (Editor’s note because the editor receives a lot of questions from Grandma. This is written entirely by Keegan, NOT Sarah. Keegan is launching his own blog. Sarah is keeping Jack & Peaches. Okay? Cool beans. Let’s resume.)

I can’t tell you the name of it yet because, while the domain has been set up, it’s just bare bones at the moment and I don’t want to discourage future visitors by exposing them to stock images and placeholder text. Designs for the blog are currently being created by the talented Jared Salasberry who has been doing the graphics for these posts. Be sure to check out his Tumblr if you want to see some dope animal graphics.

Additionally, Sarah has agreed to do crossover write-ups like these for something that I like but she has never been interested in. Her only negotiation requirement was, and I quote, “Not football. Please for the love of God, not football.

 

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Sarah agrees to give a recap for every Clay Matthews hair flip.

 

The current front-runner for topics is Season 1 of Game of Thrones, but if anyone has a better suggestion, please feel free to leave a comment. And so, without further ado, let us dive back into the adventures of the Baron of blindsided breakups, the Falcon’s defense to Corrine’s mad sex offense, and the man with the best beard in the Bahamas—our hero, Lil’ St. Nick!

 

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An interesting non-footballish football fact is that the Lords of the North, the Green Bay Packers, have been knocked out of the playoffs three years in a row by teams with birds as their mascots. This year they fell to the would-be Super bowl champions—the Atlanta Falcons.

Just as the Packers seem to have an inexplicable difficulty facing bird-based teams Nick seems to have an inexplicable difficulty staying “on script.” This is the first season I’ve seen, so the low number of rose ceremonies hasn’t seemed odd to me. But everyone I’ve talked to who has watched the show for several seasons keeps saying how weird it is that Nick is sending girls home on the fly.

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Take, for instance, Danielle M. Who Nick caught off guard and sent packing right after she put her heart on the red sleeve of her flowing dress. Now, I’m not the best at keeping all of the contestants straight, but isn’t Danielle the person who went on the first one-on-one date with Nick when they rode in a helicopter to that yacht? Isn’t she from Milwaukee too? Didn’t he say that “hometown” dates were coming up, and that’s why he had to think so hard about who should stay? Why wouldn’t you want to explore her side of your hometown? Damnit, Nick! You robbed the world of the chance to see that Wisconsin is more than just farms where people milk cows by hand and spend romantic outings shoveling cow poo.

This, of course, all takes place against the beautiful island backdrop of Bimini, a tropical island that received the same level of excitement from the contestants as Milwaukee. Corinne continues to bemoan the fact that she hasn’t gotten a one-on-one with Nick and said something about wanting to have Sushi on a boat with Nick. This is the second time that she’s specifically brought up sushi and to be honest, I’m not really surprised that she likes it. I mean, she certainly ate Taylor alive.

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Can someone please tell me what is going on with the promotions for this show? There was a big announcement concerning the next Bachelorette and we’ll get into that in a minute. But other than that, I also saw Corinne on a segment with Ellen recently and I’m honestly curious, does this enhance or muddle the illusion of The Bachelor being a show where people find true love? Do we assume that Corrine will be sent home before the final two because she showed up to talk about her experience on Ellen? Or should we assume that she made it at lease that far because Ellen was willing to have her on the show?

It feels weird to try and speculate on things like that outside of “the world” that the show’s editors create by selecting which contestants to give screen time to and that awesome music they plug in at key moments.

For real, the composer who puts together the score for this show is amazing. He or she must have studied at Julliard and if not, the admissions people at Julliard must be shaking their heads for letting that talent fly under their radar. The only sort of Bachelor merchandise that I would be interested in would be the score for this show. It would be awesome for having on hand to make any moment more dramatic.

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I could hit play on my phone and let the music swell. As it built and slowly climbed to a dramatic crescendo, I would look up from my table and tell the waiter:

“I’m very happy with the steak. I think this steak has a lot of amazing qualities and I’ve loved the time I’ve had to enjoy it. But now that we’re here and I’m thinking about what I really want out of this meal, I’m going to have to follow my heart and ask you to take it back to the kitchen. Could you please let the chicken know that I’ll be back next week for a one-on-one with it?”

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More to the point with producers not being on the same page as the editors, the big announcement that has had the internet buzzing recently is that Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. People seem really excited about it, but isn’t this a bit of a spoiler? I mean, I was at least expecting Rachel to be sent off this week but no. Instead, she and Nick hung out more, I assume to help the audience get to know her better before she gets her own season. And Nick said he would consider asking her father for permission to marry her.

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I know that this show is taped beforehand, so we’re quite possibly seeing Nick at a moment where he still believes he could end up with Rachel. But isn’t it a bit of a middle finger to the audience to make it obvious that Rachel won’t be the one Nick ultimately chooses? At least with Corrine on Ellen, there’s some ambiguity but if Rachel makes it to the final two, why would anyone even watch the finale?

This show walks such an odd line of real and not real. At least in something like Game of Thrones, you know it’s not real. You can find yourself invested in a character and be heartbroken by his or her decisions or fate, but at the end of the day, you know it isn’t real. This show has the amazing ability to blur the line of entertainment by creating a world of roses and chardonnay where the music swells in the background and the only time you don’t look good is when your mascara is running. And the camera guy better get a close up of that to use for the next episode’s promo.

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Week Four: Meet the Parents

Editor’s Note: We apologize for the brief lag in posts last week. Please enjoy this double whammy. If you haven’t yet, check out Keegan’s week three recap. Keegan would also like to apologize for the lack panache in week three’s recap. He was still recovering from the fall of his beloved Green Bay Packers. He also gets a little more real in this recap. Be sure to also check out our amazing graphic designer, Jared’s, Tumblr. He’s been creating the bomb illustrations for each post. Enjoy Bachelor fans!

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To anyone reading this, I have to level with you for a moment. I really hate The Bachelor. Like, really hate it.When I first started doing this, I thought it might be a better read if I started out adamantly opposed to the show and then slowly found myself caring about the show or Nick’s quest to find love. I certainly thought it would at least be funnier that way.

It has very beautiful people and a very big budget, but don’t we deserve better entertainment than people just acting like people?

Take the “random encounter with one of Nick’s exes” that happened on his on-on-one date with. You expect me to believe that someone who wore his varsity jacket for a few months almost 30 years ago is going to cause drama?

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There wasn’t a lot of drama in that interaction but it feels like there was supposed to be. I mean, I’m not nearly as old as Lil St. Nick, but I’m still friends with my first girlfriend from high school on Facebook. We went to Homecoming together and I wore a black button down with a fedora. That was before Neckbeards ruined fedoras for everyone. Or maybe they were never cool and that’s just how dorky I was.  Either way, she’s married now and I’m engaged and I hope she is doing well.

 

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This brings me to my biggest criticism of the show and it’s perfectly symbolized by the ceremonial roses that are given out on every show. All of the roses that are given to the contestants don’t have any thorns on them and that makes sense. You don’t want to get pricked when you’re holding them. But that’s not the way roses actually grow.

Roses are supposed to have thorns. Like that song by Poison, “Eeeevvveerrryy Rose has its thorns. Just like eeeeevvveryy night has its dawn.” In real relationships, you don’t just get the pretty part of the flower. You get the thorns too. Relationships are HARD. They’re a lot of work and sometimes you don’t get it right.

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All that The Bachelor does is promote a brand of love that doesn’t exist. Sure there might be rocky parts in the show. Someone might get slapped and there might be some tears but those moments get rolled into the promo for the next episode and quickly get forgotten when a date in a helicopter comes around.

In the world of The Bachelor the thorns are things that are meant to be cut off. They’re something that should be removed so that you only have the pretty part of the flower instead of an intrinsic and natural part of the flower to be cherished as much as the bloom.

 

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For instance, when the women find out they’re going to Nick’s hometown, they get very excited and yell with excitement “Milwaukee!” like a 6-year-old who just found out that they’re going to Disney Land.

I’m sorry, but I’ve been to Milwaukee. I have cousins who live there. It’s as good a place as any and there are things to do but it’s no Los Angeles. Corinne at the very least didn’t pretend to be having fun on the manure shoveling aspect of the group date. By the way, really!?

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Bachelor Producer 1: Hmm what does Wisconsin have?

Producer 2: I don’t know don’t they have a lot of farms or something?

Producer 1: Perfect! A date doing farm chores it is!

Never mind that Nick didn’t even grow up on a farm. He had no idea what he was doing trying to milk that cow. And for the record, barely anyone milks cows by hand anymore! The show may as well have had everyone write love letters to Nick but instead of a computer, they had to use a quill and ink well.

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Hello! Wisconsin is THE STATE OF BEER. Yeah, I know a lot of other states might claim the same thing but Wisconsin is home to the professional baseball team: The Brewers. And guess which city that team’s home stadium is. It’s FREAKING MILWAUKEE! Why didn’t you have a date at a brewery? Even outside of Milwaukee, you can’t throw a rock without hitting one of those in Wisconsin.

Oh, and for the record, Wisconsin does Bloody Marys the same way that Texas does chili. There are tons of contests all over the state, everyone insists that their Bloody Mary recipe is the only recipe that’s worth a damn, and people who have their own recipes guard them like they’re national treasures.

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I spent three summers working in a bar in Norther Wisconsin for a woman who had won several awards for her Bloody Mary recipe and those Bloodies made up at least 30% of our total bar sales. They were THAT GOOD! At the end of my last season working for her, she gave me her recipe. I can’t share the recipe with you, but I can make you a Bloody Mary that will redefine your life if you want.

 

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At least the episode didn’t spend all of its time on farms for no reason. They did introduce Nick’s parents to Raven and then went to a soccer game and skating with his younger sister. That part didn’t bother me as much.

It at least felt more natural than that awful forced farm scene for the sake of showing a farm in Wisconsin.

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The thing I liked the most was that Nick’s parents seemed pretty fed up with his serial appearances in the series. And honestly, what could they have said in that conversation?

If he was one of the final two twice in The Bachelorette they probably showed his parents twice before. And if I can see why they’re not buying into the glamor of the show. His sister seemed to be more enthusiastic about it. And why shouldn’t she be?

She’s a kid from Waukesha who got to be on TV. Her street cred in her elementary school must be through the roof after that season aired.

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Week Three: The Corinne Show

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It is with a heavy heart that I must report that His Grace Aaron Rodgers (First of his name, Lord of the Hail Mary, Denier of Sacks, and Champion of the Cheese Heads) has fallen. Yes, it seems that Green Bay’s King in the North suffered his own Red Wedding while playing the Atlanta Falcons. But fear not! The North remembers! And next season we shall see His Grace marshal his forces and stride boldly once more to the Super Bowl.

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Speaking of bold offensive strategies lets jump back into the quest of Lil’ St. Nick and the Hail Mary’s he’s having lobbed at him by Corrine. And guess what? I have quite a bit to say about Corinne so strap in, grab your glass of Chardonnay, and let’s get to it.

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Corinne’s first Hail Mary attempt was, of course, her trench coat and whipped cream attempt at seduction. An act that drew the quizzical ire of Fox News in this new article “Has the Bachelor Gone Too Far?” Here’s the link if you’re interested.

For the record, you have to appreciate the irony of a news organization that is perfectly fine with promoting a presidential candidate who brags about groping women, but the second Corinne busts out a can of whipped cream it’s all,

“Woah! Hang on now! That’s not wholesome!”

In all honesty, the article actually makes a few good points. Basically, it’s arguing that this season of The Bachelor is giving girls the impression that they need to act in a sexual manner if they want to find a meaningful relationship. And ok, I think that argument holds some water. They also mention a Christian couple a few seasons back that were abstinent and ended up getting married. This is my first season of The Bachelor, so I don’t know anything about that. But according to Fox News, people loved that couple.

The way they mention that makes it seem like people loved the Christian couple and the show is suffering for Corinne and her sex-forward approach to love. I probably have to disagree with that. I think boobs definitely boost ratings.

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Regardless of whether or not it helps or hurts the show. I know I’m not alone in cringing when Corinne goes for it. To be totally honest with you, I’m starting to think that before the season started, Corinne had a doll of Nick that she talked to and slept with. Cut to a shot of a distressed nanny making cheese pasta while a creepy giggle of “Oh Nick! You’re so funny!” is heard in the background.

Here’s my prediction for the show. I love gambling so if anyone wants to place bets I’m game. I think that Corinne is going to get booted off in a few weeks and Nick will say something along the lines of “It was a tough decision but I’m looking for something more that’s not built on sexual chemistry.” Cut to a shot of a distressed Nanny cutting a cucumber while a creepy giggle of “Oh no, Nick! I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you. What’s that? You want me to come back? Oh, Nick! I thought you’d never ask!”

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I’m not trying to be mean. It just seems like all of the other contestants on the show started the early episodes with sentiments like, “Oh I’m excited to be here and see if there is anything between us.” Where Corinne was more, “I love Nick. I’m here to marry Nick. Nick. Nick. Nick.”

 

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Ok, I seriously just noticed the ages of some of the contestants. Corinne is 24!? Taylor is 23!? And she has a master’s in psychology!? I’m 23 and I feel like I’m doing well when I don’t have a sink full of dirty dishes. Also, you know both of them have exes either from high school or college. And how weird would that be!? To see your ex on The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette) that would definitely be weirder than drunkenly scrolling through their Facebook page.

And isn’t Nick 36? That’s weird, right? That’s 12 years difference between him and Corinne! Seriously. If you’re in your early 20’s and one of your good friends told you they were engaged to a 36-year-old, wouldn’t you have questions? I mean, it’s not wrong. It just seems like age gaps like that are more rare than common.

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We all saw it. The bouncy house straddling definitely took the show into softcore porn territory. And while the drama unfolded and Nick was forced to answer the angry question of “Do you want a wife or just someone to f*ck around with.” I couldn’t stop imagining what Corinne’s life must be like.

‘Small Business owner’ really? At 24? I don’t even own a house, let alone a business. And I know everyone is going to say. “It’s her dad’s business.” Or give her more credit and say, “Her dad bought if for her.” (That’s totally more credit because it implies that she can’t make cheese pasta but can somehow run a business without running it into the ground.)

If she really does own the business. What sort of car does she own? What came first, the business or the car? There’s no way someone rents a car and owns a business. She also never talks about her work. True, a lot of the contestants don’t really talk about their work, but at least you believe they do the jobs that appear next to their names.

At least Alexis had the modesty to put ‘aspiring’ in front of ‘dolphin trainer’. If Corinne really wanted to win honesty points. She should have put her profession as ‘Aspiring cheese pasta cooker.’ Is it too late to have a graphic made of that?

 

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Camel girl left too. There go my hopes for a decent camel-toe joke. I’m going to need a new potential drinking challenge for future episodes. Suggestions are welcome.
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Week Two: The Beauty vs. The Brains

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Editor’s Note: Missed what happened last week on The Bachelor? Catch up before tonight’s episode. Also, a huge thank you to Jared for making the images for this week’s recap. Check out his Tumblr page for more awesome digital illustrations.

 

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In all honesty, this sudden cannonball into the world of The Bachelor has been a unique experience for me. My friend Kyle certainly seems to be riding a similar roller-coaster as he watches this season with his housemates.

He seems to be of the opinion that everyone is drunk all the time on the show and that’s probably why there are so many tears. And you know what? I think he has a point. There really is a lot of drinking in this show, but I don’t think I’ve really seen them drink anything besides white wine and champagne maybe with the odd clear mixed drink thrown in.

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Really? You expect me to believe that you start this show with 30 women and NOT ONE of them prefers red wine over white? Most of you girls wore red dresses to the first meeting so I know you couldn’t have been THAT worried about spilling it.

Not that Corinne would probably mind spilling wine. That would just give her another reason to strip down to her skivvies. Now that I think about it, that topless photoshoot scene is probably the reason for the suspiciously late night text I received from Kyle that read simply, “Boobs = roses.”

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And while we’re on the subject of Corinne, she’s totally being set up to be the villain, and she makes a good one! The best villains are always the ones who believe in their own madness. She’s basically The Joker, but with boobs…. so basically Harley Quinn.

I think the highlight of the episode for me was the hero vs villain set up between Corinne and Taylor. The editors started ramping it up during the wedding photoshoot date and even had Taylor cast as “The Princess.” While Corinne got the role of… You know what? I’m not really sure what her theme was. Not that it really matters. Boobs out, gloves off Corinne Vs. Taylor.

 

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Yeah, ok I’ll admit it. My heart, under no direction or supervision from my brain, fluttered a bit when Taylor and Nick were kissing for their photoshoot. What?! I’m not made of stone. I defy anyone, guy or girl, who watches that (with the audio on of course the music makes the moment) and says “Psh whatever.” Fake or not, that was a well captured moment.

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Side note for existential crisis: What am I doing with my life?

So yeah, Taylor vs. Corinne. Brains verses boobs. Ok before I get into this, I have to address something. Did Corinne slap someone? Not on camera, but if you go to the 33:42 time mark for the episode, you can hear this exchange going on in the background.

“S-slapped?”

*garbled noise*

“I got slapped by Corinne, but it was awesome.”

Seriously. Someone look this up! I have so many questions. Who’s talking? Was it Shark Girl? Was she talking about Corinne slapping her metaphorically by interrupting her time with Nick? Did Corinne literally slap someone else? If she did, why didn’t they show that? That would be marketing gold for the show.

What’s more, I don’t think anyone would say “No way, Corinne wouldn’t do that.” The slap controversy happens right as Corinne and Taylor are having their awkward conversation about interruptions. Honestly, I think Taylor won that round. Not in Nick’s eyes since he gave the rose to Corinne. I get where he’s coming from though.

Corinne played mad offense. Plain and simple. Think about Aaron Rodgers for a minute (The King in the North. First of his name. Lord of the Hail Mary, Denier of Sacks, and Champion of the Cheese Heads). The Green Bay Packers would never win a single game if Rodgers never took the field. You have to play offense. And that’s what Corinne did. She played a strong, drunken, topless offense.

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One last note on that subject. Did the words, “Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked, Dad would be proud,” really come out of Corinne? Damn. This show is getting more and more like Game of Thrones every minute.

She also talks in the third person. She definitely said the phrase, “That was a direct hit at Corinne.” You know, now that I’m thinking about it I can think of another person who tries desperately to make people think that they’re a successful business person while being hated by the majority of Americans…..Ah crap, Corinne is probably going to win this thing. Everyone will be saying “Psh, there’s no way she’ll win. Nobody likes her, she’s clearly not even good at running businesses.” Then she’ll win and the world will drift even closer to its end…

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Enough about that! Back to Nick and his quest. Nick, the one you love to hate. The Baron of Sexy Beards. The Sultan of Sex. The Bad Boy with the blinking habit. Seriously, is it just me or does it seem like he blinks a lot? Like, really slowly when he’s thinking or when he’s talking. Maybe it’s just a bad camera angle that makes it look like his eyes are closed.

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He also seems to have a formula for his conversations. Every time a girl expresses a feeling to him he responds with “I’m glad you’re *insert feeling*” For instance:

Danielle: “I’m really excited to spend time with you.”

Nick: “I’m glad you’re excited.”

Corinne: *slurring words* “I’m SO happy I geta see you again!”

Nick: “I’m glad you’re happy.”

Really? You can’t think of anything more engaging to say? I’m pretty sure when he found out about the Danielle’s former fiancé dying of a drug overdose the first thing he said was, “I’m glad you shared that with me.”

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He spreads so much gladness he’s practically Santa Clause. But, you know, with the emotions of single women instead of toys. He was also chilly enough to Liz that he may as well be from the North Pole. And really, what was up with that, Lil St. Nick? Sure, she talked about it so much that Jade and Tanner may as well be the names of two more of Santa’s reindeer.

            You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen./ Comet, Jade – Tanner and Donner and Blitzen./ But do you recall, that event she won’t shut up about at all…..

*Ba-dum-dum-dum-dum*

            Tanner and Jade got married, in a wedding before the show/ And just in case you missed it, Liz won’t let it go/

Lil’ St. Nick certainly kicked Liz to the curb the way Santa did to Rudolf before he needed his shiny red nose. Let’s just hope somewhere down the line an emotional storm erupts in Nick’s life that can only be navigated by someone who he previously hooked up with…. At Jade and Tanner’s wedding.

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Heard you like a good hump

Editors note: Hi! This is Sarah here, aka The Editor (fear my might red pen). In exchange for being on my coworker’s charity bowling team, I somehow conned my coworker, who happens to be a DUDE and a fellow writer, into paying me for my bowling participation with writing weekly Bachelor recaps. Because that’s how charity works right? After striking the deal, I learned that my coworker has never once watched any of the Bachelor franchise. Poor sap. I really got the good end of the deal here.  All words are his own (except for some small editing on my part including the graphics) as are his opinions. Thank you Keegan for signing up for this.

Be sure to subscribe for a weekly recaps written by a guy who wears a raccoon hat named Erm. Enjoy!

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Part One: Recon

To be honest with you, I’ve never been interested in The Bachelor or The Bachelorette mostly on the principle of preserving man points. Side note: If you bother tallying things like man points, it’s because of your own insecure hang-up and you’re really just trying to fit some societal standard of “what a man is.”

For instance, when I was a freshman in college, one of my friends joined a fraternity and I hung out a few times with him and some of his brothers. I vaguely remember a conversation where one of the brothers was teasing another brother about liking The Bachelor.  The Bachelor bro made his case for watching the show with something along the lines of, “Dude! It’s like, one guy and thirty super-hot girls.” He got to keep his man points.

Since I didn’t really know a lot about the show, I decided to do a little recon on the season premiere before pouring myself a glass of Pinot and settling down in my fat pants to join Nick Viall on the final leg of his quest to find love.

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The problem with planning on watching the season premiere on a Sunday night was that the onset of Nick’s journey to find love would have to take a back seat to the Green Bay Packer’s playoff game against the New York Giants.

I met two of my best friends, Kyle and Alex, in a bar to watch the game. We each received 10 man points for watching football. It was a fantastic game, if you’re curious. In addition to being huge Packer’s fans, the three of us are all fans of Game of Thrones (minus two man points for nerdy interests) and we all enjoyed making toasts to Aaron Rodgers, who is being lauded as “The King in the North” (a Game of Thrones reference).

“Long live the King!”

*Glasses clink*

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I’ve been told that Aaron Rodger’s brother, George Rodgers (Editor’s Note: Keegan meant to say Jordan Rodgers but from now on JoJo’s boo-thang will now be called George), was the winner of last season’s The Bachelorette and how about that?

Anyway, during commercials I was excited to tell my friends that I had picked up a new freelance gig and I thought they would laugh when I told them it would be doing write-ups for this season’s The Bachelor.

Kyle jumped in right away and said that last Monday he, in fact, had watched the season premiere (MAJOR deduction of man points).

“Yeah.” Kyle said. “I was downstairs trying to watch Community when Jasmin and Bridget came upstairs and kicked me off the TV so they could watch it. Alright, man points restored.

I thought this would be the perfect chance to get some insight into the episode before I watched it, and so I asked him about it.

“I mean, it was about what you would expect.” Kyle said. “This one chick showed up in a shark costume and kept saying she was a dolphin. She kept doing all these dolphin noises and everyone on the show was like, ‘No, really that’s a shark costume. Not a dolphin.’ But she kept saying she was a dolphin and doing all these dolphin noises. And dude, it was totally a shark costume, I mean the thing had teeth! And I know, like, dolphins have teeth. But these were seriously shark teeth! And it had gills! Like, dolphins have blowholes!”

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Apparently the shark vs. dolphin debate had affected Kyle on an emotional level.

“Then there was this one chick showed up on a camel and was all like ‘Oh, I heard you like a good hump.”

This comment got a raised eyebrow from Alex and Kyle continued.

“Oh yeah man, there’s like, a lot of lame sex jokes in the show. Plus this one chick went to the guy’s room and was like, ‘we’re going to have sex.’ Which was pretty ballsy really. And then there was this other girl who apparently had slept with the dude at a wedding before and she was all, ‘Oh we have this secret and he doesn’t really remember me.’ So yeah man, it was weird.”

That was about as much as we talked about The Bachelor that night. Our man points remained more or less at the same level throughout the game. Alex and I have the edge over Kyle when it comes to beard growing, Alex scores a few more points than me in that category but Kyle has us both beat when it comes to killing things. He goes hunting much more often than we do. (Editor’s Note: Obviously I do not condone killing anything except moves on the dance floor but that’s besides the point.)

So there it is, that was all the recon I had going into this season of The Bachelor. We proposed one final toast to The King in the North and I left my friends to sip red wine while wearing a pair of my Fiancée’s sweatpants, pink but comfortable, and join Nick on his final attempt to find true love.

 

Part Two: Roses and weeds, initial impression

“From Bad Boy to Bachelor, we’ve all seen Nick grow!”

Well that’s a bit suggestive.

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With his fine haircut, rugged scruff beard, and finely toned muscles, Nick does indeed seem like someone who shows very well. Who knew he also had such a reputation for growing!

Twice now they’ve called him “The most controversial bachelor in history.” That’s a bit of a lofty claim. Surely there must have been bachelors more controversial than him. Donald Trump’s brief stints of bachelorship when he was in-between wives must certainly put him in the running for the title.

Side note: Maybe everyone who is so dissatisfied with the prospect of a Trump presidency is going about trying to block him the wrong way. Instead of all that protesting and what not, they should rally to offer him the role of The Bachelor in exchange for giving up the presidency. Thirty women vying for his attention and approval certainly isn’t an opportunity that he would be likely to pass up. Then again, they would probably have a very hard time finding contestants for the show. That would be as hard as trying to find talented performers to play at his inauguration… *slow wine sip*

…Nick continues his journey to find true love. *Cut to a shot of Nick trudging through a snowy landscape.

That’s some fancy editing right there. How the hell does he still look THAT GOOD trudging through the snow? His lips aren’t even chapped! Note to aspiring bachelors: Pick the snow you walk through carefully. Make sure it’s pristine, no tracks or dirt showing.

Above all else, make sure your lips stay kissable as you make slow, sullen trudge through the drifts.

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I’m a Dolphin!

Okay, so there’s “dolphin” girl. Wait a second, did the profession next to her name really just say “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer?” You have law school graduates on this show! Also, you can say you’re an aspiring anything. Maybe I should start saying that I’m an aspiring astrophysicist because I follow Neil Degrasse Tyson on Twitter. Then if anyone asks me about astrophysics I can say, “Look I don’t know, I’m only an aspiring astrophysicist.” Seriously, did this girl just see a dolphin, or maybe it was a shark, and she thought “Oh! I know! I’ll aspire to be a dolphin trainer!”

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Seriously Nick. Katy Perry beat you to it.

Wait a minute. He kept dolphin girl but sent the law school graduate home? Are you kidding me Nick!? Do you know how smart you have to be to GRADUATE FROM LAW SCHOOL!? Also, with your track record, maybe being married to a lawyer could be useful for covering your dumb decisions.

I heard you like a good hump.

Ah, camel girl. Was that really such a good idea? Is there strategy to this show? Is this show a game with strategy? Doesn’t that undermine the idea of finding true love?

New personal drinking game: I will chug the rest of this bottle of wine in a future episode if one of the other contestants makes a catty joke using the word “camel-toe.” 
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Rachel gets the first impression rose

Okay Nick. She’s cute, she seems nice. Good for her. Question though, when he asks “Will you accept this rose?” Can she say no? Has that ever happened…just Googled it. Apparently someone named Madison walked out on a rose ceremony when some guy named Brad was The Bachelor.

Why wouldn’t Rachel turn down the rose? If there’s strategy involved in this, couldn’t she work the hard-to-get angle? That would put Nick in a bit of an awkward position, wouldn’t it? I bet he’d try to give it to someone else for having the second best first-impression.

Dang. Whoever does the score for this show is one talented composer. They really ramp up the dramatic music at the right moments.

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Corinne goes for the kiss

That’s the same girl that gave him the bag of tokens, right? Was she camel girl? Were they hump tokens? No, just checked. Lacey is camel girl. Dang! That’s one hot kiss. Hotter than Rachel’s kiss after getting the rose.

Ah here comes another ad.

I’m pretty sure that’s the fifth time that I’ve seen the trailer for Fifty Shades Darker while watching this show. I think they might be trying to appeal to a certain demographic.

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